Fun Ship 2008, etc.

Ok, ok. I am now in the running for worst blogger ever. Bizarley is giving me a run for my money, that's right I am putting you on shout, for least posts in 2008. In my defense, I have been excessively lazy lately.

Anyhoo, I will try to be better and actually have many posts in mind. I have been keeping a list, right next to my list of topics for charades. First and foremost I want to say, seriously go buy Jbux's book. It is a great book, funny, well-written, appropriate mix of angst and resolution of angst, and I went to her very crowded book signing in NYC and saw first hand that she is big time. Crazy to think that she once wiped a booger on me.

Now onto the topic of this post. A few weeks ago, I went on vacation - first to New Orleans and then on to a Carnival Cruise to Mexico. I had never been on a cruise before and most likely, will never be on one again.

Please note that I had a blast with the people I was traveling with. Once we realized that the things you can do during a "fun day at sea" are eat, gamble, drink, eat, eat, eat, enter a hairiest chest contest, feel sick, eat, and make fun of people, we settled in to make the most of it. And we did. Justsomeguy made it to the finals of a blackjack tourney, Young D made it to the finals of a slot tourney, justsomeguys sister and my sister both won rounds of bingo (those old ladies were so jealous), and H and I generally were big losers, but whatever. I won at the 24 hour pizza bar.

Some observations re: cruises -
- When you pay a total of $409 for a 5 day vacation, you should not be surprised when the person boarding the boat in front of you is wearing a shirt that says "Let's flip a coin: Heads I get Tail, Tail I get Head."
- On captain's night, people are hella fancy. I mean, they rent tuxes, get their hair did, don as many sequins as humanly possible, and go to THE EXACT SAME PLACE, SAME TABLE AS THEY ATE EVERY OTHER MEAL. Bizarre.
- People apparently love to have their pictures taken by "professional" photographers in front of various pull down screens. Sometimes holding a rose and looking wistfully into the distance, sometimes with a person dressed as a Mayan Indian, sometimes with the whole family standing on the stairs, sorority style. Then all the pictures are put up for the whole cruise to view and purchase. My sister tried to take a picture of the displays, but got in trouble. In fact, she had to delete the picture she took. Tough security on the funship.
- Towel animals (see above), do not make the cruise better.
- Mexico was pretty fun. We spent the day at the beach and that is how I like to spend my time. The picture looks like a corona ad. Unfortunately, we had to get back on that damn boat to get home.
- The best thing about the cruise, besides my companions, was the butter. Seriously, I have never had more delicious butter. I would have taken some off the ship if not for (1) customs and (2) what the hell would I do with packets of butter while traveling home?

For more on cruises and disillusionment, I suggest reading David Foster Wallace's "A Supposedly Fun Thing I Would Never Do Again."

Alright, I came to work at 7 a.m. because I am so busy, and this is what I am doing. More posts to come - here is a preview - Elmo, self-awareness, and more bachelorette antics.

Super Tuesday!

Today is kind of a personal super Tuesday for me. First, two friends are celebrating their 30th birthdays today. Second, my law firm has officially changed my name in all contexts - email, website, business cards, etc. This is very exciting for me. So any stalkers and/or hot single guys, please note, you will have to use my old name to find me.

FINALLY THE BIGGEST NEWS - IT'S HERE!!!! J-bux's book is out today! So head to your local bookstores and get what is sure to be the premier debut novel of 2008! Check it out at http://www.theoppositeoflove.com/index2.htm

Alright, I will be sure to post about my vacation soon. The pictures are starting to roll in (I didn't have a camera) and they will surely help me tell the story of my first (and last) trip on Carnival Cruise lines.

P.S. If I am violating any copyright laws by posting the cover - just let me know!

Bon voyage!

I will be heading out for some vacation with my sister and justsomeguy (and others) tomorrow. Although I thought I was leaving today...then looked at my ticket last night only to find out that I am leaving tomorrow. Nice move by me.

Anyway, here is how J sometimes prepares for trips. Step 1 - take off clothes so that you are just in a diaper. Step 2 - put on one mitten. Step 3 - head out the door.

Keep your fingers crossed for my parents who are watching her for the whole week....

Feed Me!

This weekend, J and I went to brunch together. When we were almost done with our breakfast, this older woman and her husband came in and asked for a table. The hostess was going to seat them next to us, when the lady shouted "I DON'T WANT TO SIT THERE." I mean she shouted it. I heard it, along with the majority of people at the restaurant. But J is so awesome that 5 people came up to us and noted that the mean lady missed out on sitting next to a very cute, well behaved child. Screw that lady. We didn't want to sit next to her anyway.

That all being said, here are some pictures of J when you make her wait for her food. She is a cheery kid, but if you mess with her food she will let you know she is hungry. And a picture of her with a cookie. Now that she can say cookie, game on.

In other news, there is no other news. I was on a self-imposed dating hiatus, which was really just me being proactive and taking myself out of the game. That way, when I sat at home it was because of the "dating hiatus" and not because I am a lame-o with no one to date in any case. Anyway, I think I may come out of it and try to find a date or two. If anyone knows anyone in the greater Philadelphia area, you know where to find me!

I guess I can share that J says something that sounds like "sexy man." I have no idea what she is actually saying. Of course, it could be sexy man, I don't bring those home, but perhaps the nanny does. (Just kidding, our nanny is the best). She also says "clock" but drops the "l." Basically, I have an R-rated child. Nice.

Parenting skillz put to the test

Ok, so we all know that I am not the world's best mom. However, up until this point, I think that I have held my own (despite the parenting skillz displayed in the picture above - hey she likes it!). Tonight though we had an absolute meltdown about a toy boat whose captain* would just not stay in the place J wanted him to stay in (note: not the place he is supposed to go, where he fits on a peg holding him down). As much as I tried to reason with her, she just wouldn't pay attention to my sound logic re: the captain's position. I realized that this is going to be where parenting gets really hard. There I was, sitting on the floor trying to rationalize with a 15 month old. Maybe next time I will send her an email.

Anyway, I realized I had a few choices (1) I could continue to try to explain why it is not worth getting upset over this (2) I could just let her cry or (3) I could try to console her and put the captain where she wanted him to be (i.e. give in). I am not sure which of these options is best. This uncertainty might be a result of the fact that I have not read one parenting book, other than one I read before I had the baby. Oddly, I chose to continue to try to explain to J that it just really wasn't that deep and not worth the tears.

I feel like it is only going to get harder from here.

* Ok, the captain is actually Noah and the boat is the arc. I originally didn't want to disclose this fact, for fear that my dear readers would think I like overtly religious toys for my wee one. My parents bought it, and it is from fisher price, not some wacko, Focus on the Family-esque toy catalog. And at the end of the day, it is a plastic boat with some animals and a dude with a beard. That being said, I am not going to completely rule out the possibility that my parents are forcing some level of religious education on her given my 13 month delay in getting her baptized and thus securing her the opportunity to get into heaven.

Just a Taste....

Here is a little flavor as to how the divorce is going (keeping in mind that I did not file for fault divorce based on Adultery and Indignities, as I could have. I just filed for Mutual Consent Divorce):

My pleading for support: "Defendant is required to provide reasonable support of the children..."

His counterclaim for support: "Wife has FAILED to provide support sufficient for the child to maintain the lifestyle established during the marriage." (emphasis added)

Keep in mind we are both attorneys, so we he reviewed and verified his counterclaim, he knew what he was saying. And that it was a lie. I have in no way failed to support my child. I pay the expenses for her care outright and he has to reimburse me. Although every month he fights me on the amount. Anyway, this is just an example of how he is handling the divorce. In a confrontational, antagonistic way. You would think that after everything he would let some opportunities to be a complete dick slide by.

And I realize that some of you may be concerned that I am posting this, but it is technically a matter of public record. You could go to the court and pull the complaint and answer with new matter and read them yourself. You could find out on your own about my alleged failures as a mother.

Fatigue Brought on by Divorce

I think that is my official diagnosis. I am tired, have a headache, puffy eyes, and am sad from reliving the past 1.5 years over the course of the day. These feelings were brought on by a hearing today in family court (one of the most depressing places on earth) and a complete failure to reach a divorce/custody/support settlement.

So I am going to go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I will wear striped tights like J - one can't possibly have a bad day in such ridiculous tights. I probably won't be as cute though...she wore this outfit to church the other week. That was the start of "Project Knockin' on Heaven's Door" a.k.a. get the kid baptized so that she won't go to limbo and her grandparents will chill out.