The Year of Quiet Resignation

I have decided to dub 2009 the "Year of Quiet Resignation." This means that I will quietly resign myself to what my life is, rather than rage against the things I don't like about it or that I cannot change.

For example, no more crying when X treats me poorly. He and his girlfriend are in my life (unfortunately), unable to treat me like a human being (also unfortunate), and there is nothing I can do about it. So, while I previously tried and tried and tried to get him to be nice to me, even in a small way, I am giving that up. I will quietly resign myself to these facts and just keep on keepin' on.

Or my job. As previously mentioned, I am not winning any eager beaver awards there and as success is measured in billable hours, I am not going to be super successful in having a long term career at my firm. Rather than rage against this by freaking out, quitting in a fireball of bridge-burning fury, or other such totally sane reaction, I will quietly do my work, take my pay check, and see what happens.

Also, I will not get angry when I have a killer headache on a Sunday and no one to help me with J when all I want to do is shut the lights off and pretend the world doesn't exist. I won't be sad when day after day, no one is there to ask me how my day was, share the chores or financial obligations, give me some positive reinforcement that I am not a total screw up as a parent, give me a hug +, blah blah. I will instead turn on the Wii, play the piano, read a book, or watch bad tv (including but not limited to Rock of Love Three which is a total disaster that I cannot tear my eyes away from) and remember that even when I did have a husband, he did none of the things listed above (in fact he did the opposite of support me or share in obligations) so I am better off now.

I will not lament my single status, or lack of prospects. I will just resign myself to it for now, and again, see what happens. If I meet someone who won't like me because I have a kid, rather than get mad at that person, I will just quietly accept it and move on.

Thus, the "Year of Quiet Resignation." I am not sure if this will lead me to be happy with what I have in life, and accept what I cannot change, or whatever saying is appropriate (with the caveat that I am looking for a new job and would not turn down a date if asked out) or if it will cause me to try my hand at severe depression. I realize this post sounds like a bitter plea for pity, but it isn't really. It is a new outlook as I usually freak out and try desperately to change my life (some times admittedly these changes work out well). I promise that I am not trying to make "quiet resignation" into "complete loss of hope" even though that seems like a very fine line.

2009, It Has To Be Better Than 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005 . . .

Right? That is what I have told myself each year for the past couple of years. And yet it never really comes true. 2008 sucked for reasons that were different than those that caused 2007 to suck, but it still was a tough year nonetheless. "Sucked" is a bit harsh, and yes I have J and all that, I am fully aware of what is good in my life.

That is why this year, I am going to try to focus on what is good and not what is "missing." That is, lose the grass is always greener attitude. I have a good life. And as Slim Charles says "that's the thing about the old days, they the OLD days...." so it is time to move on, leave the old days, the good and the bad behind me.

Apparently, I am also going to continue to be an effin' cliche.....I kind of hate myself for writing this hokey bs, but maybe it is part of trying to live it? Maybe I feel rushed to write this post because the picture is really cute and appropriate only now, not a week from now, and I don't feel like writing so this is what the result is? A crappy post overall?

It doesn't really matter - because I want to wish everyone a happy new year, from J and I - A toast to 2009!

Dorking out

I realized that I have compiled an arsenal of things to keep me occupied when I am either stuck in the house because J is sleeping or stuck in the house because I have no plans, it is cold and I don't want to go outside. I now have (1) a piano (2) a treadmill (3) a Wii (4) paint, that I have been using to paint walls in my house to varying degrees of success (5) The Wire all seasons (6) dvr (7) laundry....

I got the Wii for Christmas and it is somewhat addicting. Then on Christmas Eve, I attended my cousins' annual party involving Jameson (not Protestant)* whiskey shots and Rock Band. After a few glasses of wine, and some other libations, I tried the it out and had a hilarious good time even though I totally sucked.

So I bought it, well I bought Guitar Hero World Tour because that is what Circuit City had for the Wii. Last night, my mom, dad and sister played too. For hours. J of course had to get involved. She may have the most natural rhythm of any of us.

Now I am a total dork, playing by myself...I have no bandmates. But it is still fun. And funny that I am not playing my nice piano but instead banging on fake drums.

I will say that both the piano and Guitar Hero have restored my faith in the merits of "practice." The law has slowly taken it away as I may be getting better at it, but there is no real gratification in that. With Guitar Hero, I practice until I can get through a song. Then when I get through the song it tells me I ROCK and gives me "cash." I find it very rewarding.

That all being said, if anyone wants to join my band, you know where to find me. I think I will call us "Wild Rumpus." **

*that is a Wire reference, absolutely nothing against Protestants.
**Points towards making the band if you know where I pulled that name from.

A piece of Barack

Montel Williams in hocking Obama commemorative coins.

https://www.obamacoincollection.com/Default.aspx?mid=528810#order

If you don't like coins you can get a commemorative plate.


In these tough economic times, I don't think Obama wants us spending $19.95 on images of him on plates and/or coins. Keep your money, he will still be the man of hope and bring change and you will have $19.95 more dollars than if you bought the plate. And I am sure he will still appreciate your support without displaying him on a PLATE.

Extraordinary (minus the extra)

I am not a super star at my law firm. I do my work, make people laugh by coming in to work wearing Phillies attire, and go home. And now, as I enter my 6th year as an associate at the same firm (which I thought I would NEVER do), I have to suck up my ordinariness and admit that, given that there are 7 people still here in my class year, I will not make partner.

I admit to not being the best little employee. Over the years, I have always gone to weddings, parties, gatherings, whatever, to see my friends. I have taken vacations so that I am the one to show J the beach for the first time. I go to every doctor's appointment. I come home by 5:30 so that I can see my kid for a few hours before she goes to sleep, rather than hiring additional help so I can work late. Same for weekends. I make sure to spend time with my family.

My firm was good to me throughout my separation and move. I am very grateful for that and always will be. It was a great relief to know I would have a job when I came out of all of it.

But the fairy tale only lasts so long. The dork in me wants an A, to make partner. However, the mom, daughter, friend, etc in me knows that I don't have the time, support, or desire to get that A. And that deep down I don't even want the prize that goes with the A. So I need to learn to be ok with a B. This will be hard. I hate to lose. Like really really hate it.

I will start looking for a new job in 2009. Keep your fingers crossed for me. It is time to move on personally, unfortunately the stellar economy disagrees as jobs are scarce.

In other news, J and I celebrated Christmas on Saturday. See pictures. Santa brought her some presents, and I got a Wii, which I am psyched about. The downside is that now she is gone to be with X for the week and his stupid girlfriend. So I am sad and on edge anyway, and the work realization is poorly timed.

Nightmares come true

I just bought tickets for J and I to go to Disney on Ice, featuring the Little Mermaid and Tinkerbell (along with Cars and The Lion King, who are decidedly less important to J). She saw a commercial for it and was like "Ariel! Skating! I want to watch this show!" Sigh. So my kid is susceptible to advertising and I have to spend a day with Disney. DAMN YOU DISNEY PRINCESSES! It is like I look in the mirror and I don't even know myself anymore....

Progress...

J gave Santa a high five. Still no sitting on his lap though, but progress nonetheless.

The high five has been incorporated into "Santa Brings Me Presents," as the final lyric. It goes "and then I give him a high five."