Google Me

I don't watch Bravo's stupid "Watch What Happens" show where mildly famous reality stars sit with the at times insufferable Andy Cohen to discuss whatever stupidity they displayed on the network that week. But I do watch The Soup on E! because it is hilarious.

On The Soup, they showed a clip of Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta (or really outside of ATL) singing a song called "Google Me." It was ridiculous and horrifying.

Then, yesterday, I went to google something about moving apps around on my iPhone display screen. I typed in "i" and google offered up a past search of mine - "i have a college education and a jd what jobs are there for me." A very pathetic search in deed.

I also admit that I have googled such things as "I am lonely," "what health insurance plan is best for me," "jobs with little work and lots of money" and "consequences of back-dating leases."

What the eff do I expect from these searches? That google is going to spit out the answer to being lonely or the some resolution re: absurd financial burden of health insurance from an employer that doesn't bother the get workable plans for dependents? Like some site is going say "Do x, y, and z. If you take those three steps you will meet a nice, attractive, smart, funny guy who will make you less lonely or at least make some new actual friends to hang out with (not weirdos)." Or "search fail - there is no help for the rising cost of health insurance, you are screwed."

My uncle, who took weeks to learn how to double click (he never clicked fast enough) once said something along the lines of "the internet is amazing! You can find directions to anywhere on it. I bet the cure for cancer is on it somewhere." I am sure he was just saying that, he is not dumb, but maybe I am? I mean for the answers to be out there, on the interwebs, someone has to PUT them there. I am googling things as if google will finally let me in on the meaning of life. It feels desperate. And lazy. I am pretty sure that being home, alone, googling "I am lonely" is one way to NOT be less lonely.

I am also sure that I will not google Kim from Real Housewives of ATL despite her lyrical instructions to do so.

The Lone Star State

I just need to take a moment to pat myself on the back. Yesterday, I did nothing. NOTHING. I watched bad tv, took a nap, read a magazine, watched a movie* did nothing good for myself or the universe. So today I needed a task that would make me feel accomplished. I set out to fix my internet and did. Go me.

Anyway, what has been going on except me being the laziest person on the planet? A trip to Texas of course. I should make a category for this blog that focuses on trips to Texas.

I went to the concrete city a few weeks ago to visit with bizarely, justsomeguy, and Young D. Well, I flew to Houston so that I could meet GHC, then traveled to Austin, which I didn't realize was the capital of all traffic. I learned this on a hungover, way too long, stop and go drive of about 4 miles.

What I also learned - GHC is legitimately super cute. And good company at the liquor store.


Justsomeguy eats gross things (well I guess I knew that) - this is sea urchin with quail egg and prosecco. After this, we all tried one. So I can legitimately say it is gross.


Bizarely still has it in terms of karaoke. At a strip mall bar, at like 2 am, she did a rousing rendition of "I touch myself" with spoken word interludes about changing diapers. She got high fives on the way out.

Finally, I should not update my facebook status when I am drunk at 2:30am. At that point, I had accused bizarely of stealing old navy Christmas socks from me in 2003, to which she responded that she might forgive me for my accusations but Jesus would not. Needless to say, not the best time for the whole world to have insight into my head.

Jillian was very sad she was not coming to Texas. She said "how will I see the dogs, Kwon and Uncle Herm?" (Dogs were the priority of course). She asked that I bring her back a post card, which I did, along with a magnet in the shape of Texas with a star on it. Now she is obsessed with the "lone star state." Every star she sees in red white or blue she asks if it means Texas. (This picture has nothing to do with anything)





*I watched Avatar and I HATED it. Sorry to those that thought it was great, but it was not for me. I was bored, angry, found myself laughing at the Sigourney Weaver avatar and the complete lack of subtlety. I am a bit shocked this movie made so much money, but whatevs.

Real Life PRINCESS

Jillian is very into the news. One morning I woke up to her chubby face staring at me and the question, "Mommy do you want me to put on the NPR?" (I assume that is what happens at her dad's house, wake up and listen to NPR. At my house it is 90210 on Soap Net on the TV, that is in my bedroom, despite all the advice to NOT keep a tv in the bedroom).

So this morning we were watching the news to determine if it was, in fact, time to whip out her full on winter princess coat, when the announcement about Prince William and Kate M.'s engagement came on. J listened, was alittle confused, and then got super excited that Kate was going to be a new REAL PRINCESS. She then announced that "There is a princess in Bagdad, that is a city, did you know that?"

Um, no I didn't. This is her new thing - stating her interpretation of facts and then asking if I knew those facts. "Mommy did you know bats can see at night because they see with echos?" "Mommy did you know that the sun actually makes the moon glow?" and on and on. I am learning many new things.


Note: I will post pictures soon. I am having internet issues at home and resolving them involves me calling Cisco, who will then forward the call to an outsourced call center, where I have to get lucky to talk to someone who can help me link my router to my Macbook. Needless to say, I will likely choose watching Glee tonight over making that phone call.

Go Time

Alright, I have taken a nearly 4 month sabatical from this blog. I had every intention of letting it die a natural death, but a recent trip to Texas (both Houston and Austin) have inspired me to write again. As has catching up on some other people's blogs and realizing that I do like to write. With the caveat that I may not always have something entertaining or important to say.

So what to write about - the trip to Texas? J and I going to Disney World? Halloween and J's current obsession with all things Egypt? My old firm announcing that it is happy time again, while my new firm just stays the course (which to be fair is always the way the new firm works, so it weathered the bad economy better)? Another failed attempt at on line dating?

I think I will write about most, if not all of those things in the upcoming days, but right now I am going to write about parenting. I just read this article in the WSJ (ummm, yeah it is the middle of the day, but the Wisconsin race-notice statute is just not doing it for me).

The premise (basically) is that parenthood, in these times of glorified "attachment parenting," has become a modern-day prison for most women (it dabbles in effects on parents in general). That is a lazy summary but this has always been, and will continue to be, a lazy blog. Also, while the article starts off strong, it gets kind of (in my view) directionless rambling, going through control issues, helicopter parenting, right wing agendas, and prenatal issues.

[DISCLOSURE - I KNOW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT ERICA JONG AND COULD BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE FROM HERE ON IN. I DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO GOOGLE HER AND READ WIKIPEDIA OR ANYTHING]

Anyway, Erica Jong tells us that moms (all parents, really) can't compare themselves to celebrities and people with unlimited resources. Yeah, duh, thanks, but also, then what are you? I mean Jong says that she had to leave her child with nannies and fly all over the country lecturing, etc. So who are you more like, Erica? Me or Giselle Buchananananan or whatever her name is? Unless your next novel or poem is going to be published to a court via an electronic filing system, or your travels involve the $4 toll over the Ben Franklin Bridge, I say you are more like Giselle than me.

You know what, I liked this article at first. It was like YES! I feel that way...then I felt like, nope that isn't me, I am not a crazy parent. I have fits of "I suck at everything" (job, being a friend, dating, PARENTING), but really of all the things I have to do, I am a good mom. I am fairly unconcerned with how others view me as a parent as well. Plus, I was never really a feminist so what ever I am doing, isn't setting back the movement. So the article is not about me.

THEN as I was writing, I realized I may hate this article for its failure to recognize that it is coming for a place of accomplished psuedo-celebrity. Yes, Jong notes that she was a single mom who relied on nannies, but a single mom who had a best seller and a pretty glamorous career. Now, I also realize that sometimes when I bitch about my life, and my overwhelming sense of being totally fucking average at best, I might be the Erica Jong viz a vie parents who struggle more than I do with issues of family or finances, etc. Long story short, I am still undecided about this article.

I leave you with this quote from Dr. Spock (taken from the article)

The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is usually best after all. Furthermore, all parents do their best job when they have a natural, easy confidence in themselves. Better to make a few mistakes from being natural than to do everything letter-perfect out of a feeling of worry.

As someone who did not read any baby books (for serious) and have a pretty cool kid (although I may get mine soon enough and attribute a big chunk of her coolness to nature over nurture), I think that this advice is dead on. Just do what feels right and it will all be good.

Well, glad to be back. Don't mean to offend anyone with this post. I will be more fun and have pictures of J up again soon.

Lazy and Unmotivated

I feel like I have to "describe" myself more than I would like to do so. I am trying online dating AGAIN, I don't know why since it never is even fun, and it is all about telling people what you are like in 150 words. So basically tweeting about you, your family, your job, your likes/dislikes.

But in the end it doesn't really matter what you put in those spaces. Really the things that matter are (1) your age; (2) your picture, and (3) your baggage (i.e. divorced, separated, kids, if you are 45 and haven't been in a relationship).

So I kind of want to be honest and describe myself as what I am - lazy and unmotivated. I sit on the couch more than I should. I rarely workout. I could be good at my job if I tried, but I don't. Hell, I could have been good at something if I had only tried - tennis, fencing, school, anything. But I never really tried. I am lazy and at this point, unmotivated to start trying.

Is there something that might induce motivation? I don't know. I haven't found it yet. And after all these years, I am really not motivated to date. But for some reason I decided to try again.

Life for me as a thirtysomething single lady is not all Sex and The City. There isn't that steady guarantee of companionship. It's not all brunch with friends every weekend. Most of all, there isn't a steady of stream of dates or guys to have your way with. For me, its the couch, muddling through the night by writing depressing blog posts.

The thing is, I have been pretty happy lately. That is probably why I decided to try the online dating again. I felt that I could my best self forward and really just enjoy it. We will see what happens. I would settle for someone that is motivation to get up off the couch, put on some mascara and go get a drink.

More Vacation/Pop Culture Musings

I miss Jillian. I am sure you all do to. Here she is waiting for a ride while on vacation. She is all sweaty because it was hot and she had just spent about 15 minutes bouncing her brains out in a moon bounce.

On a completely unrelated note - some thoughts on recent popular culture events:
1. I am watching Community for the first time. Joel McHale takes his shirt off in that show almost as much as TLaut in the Twilight movies. And you know what? Joel McHale looks good with his shirt off. Carry on Joel McHale.
2. Things I don't care about - LeBron, that Bethany is Getting Married, and the phone book that was at my door when I got home from yoga. I mean, seriously, the phone book? Who uses that anymore? Save some trees and spare me the phone book.
3. I HATE that lady on the progressive insurance commercials. HATE her.
4. I got HBO back just so that I could watch True Blood. I don't know what it is about that show but I love it. Plus, now Thomas Cromwell from the Tudors is now on it. I find Sookie super irritating, but I really love the show overall.

Alright, back to Joel McHale.

What's Been Going On

Sorry for what is becoming the all too typical hiatus. Jillian and I have been on vacation, well Jillian is on a two week vacation that I joined for 5 days. She was telling everyone she was going on vacation. Vacation from what? I don't know. Her tough life of chillin' and acting all cool I suppose.

J's regular life:


J on vacation:

The beer wasn't hers, don't worry.

Since I left the beautiful 85 degree weather in South Carolina to the 100 degree grossness that is Philadelphia, she has also taken her first tennis lesson:


I spoke to her today and she told me that she had "made some shots" and apparently would cut the line of 4 kids to get in extra turns. Basically, while the other kids stood around staring into space, Jillian would just go up and take another turn. Eventually another kid's mom noticed and called J out. My mom of course just let this all happen because if J is smart enough to step up when the other kids are too oblivious to take their turns, who is she to stop that boo? Then they came home, had lunch and J announced that tennis had made her tired. Even for little boos, vacation can be tiring.

Another snoozeroo post, but I am a bit of a zombie. I have the best ideas for this blog when I am trying to go to bed or something (so these posts do not materialize as I am not going to get my computer and write). Thus, I always always default to Jillian pictures.

Brought to you by the letter J and the number 2

Yesterday J and I went to Sesame Place for her end of school celebration. Except there was no organization of the group. Literally, it was like email each other if you want to meet up for lunch. Since I generally don't click with the other parents, I didn't send such an email and never received one. So every now and then a random little kid would shout "Jillian!" and we would chat for a minute. Basically I took her so she wouldn't feel left out (I should have gone to work) but now realize this probably not one we have to do in the future.

That being said, we had a pretty good time. Amazing what a difference a year makes. When we went last year, we had to take a stroller, there were more rides she couldn't go on than could, etc. This year, we went on every ride except the roller coaster and played in some of the larger water rides. Also, no stroller.

And we happened to walk down "Sesame Street" just in time for the parade. The characters, who J is admittedly not super interested in, came dancing down the street giving high fives. J was excited. Then Bert asked the girl next to us to dance. She was too shy, so J naturally volunteered to dance. She spent about 3 full minutes as part of the parade dancing with Bert. Hilarious....




In other new, congrats to S and AMH on their marriage! Their wedding was this weekend and it was super fun. Everyone looked great, I wiped out on the dance floor and may or may not have drank 47 cocktails. Not exactly in that order.

Doctor Teeth

In law school there was this guy who had a FWB relationship with the local dog groomer (not that that is important or that I am judging, just a factoid that is always somehow brought up with this guy) and got his teeth whitened during his third year. Unfortunately the result was FREAKISHLY white teeth. Like scary white. You could see him rolling home from the dog groomer's in the dark of night because of their glow.

We called him, "Dr. Teeth" with the appropriate dramatic head turn and weird accent.

So sometimes I tell J that if she doesn't take care of her teeth, she will have to get them whitened and turn into Dr. Teeth. I told her the story, minus the FWB part because I don't think she gets that yet, and after her initial idea that it would be fun to be Dr. Teeth as there may be access to dogs to play with, she bought into the idea that she did not want day-glo teeth. So she would take care of her teeth now to avoid them yellowing and any subsequent whitening.

To that end, we headed to the dentist today.

Read ready to have her "teeth tickled." Which I promptly explained was having them cleaned with proper dental tools. Seriously - she gets it dental hygienist, we are here to get her teeth CLEANED not tickled.


She sat in this position for about 2 minutes straight while the hygienist got ready. I should have told her that she could relax. But I kind of wanted to see how long she would stay like this.


Then down to biz-naz, a picture of calm.


Um, not so much. Her chubby feet reveal that she is not exactly relaxed...


But that being said, she was great. I was yet again, a proud mom.

And some Jillian-isms of this week:
"Gobblers are people who come in your house and take your tv and furniture. I learned that in the book Walter the Farting Dog."
Post corn on the cob - "I need a napkin, my hands are greedy."

Effin' GPS

From Port Jefferson Long Island to Philly, put us through the Midtown Tunnel. ARGH. I should have been paying attention, but it was going well so I went with the GPS. Then I was on 34th Street in Manhattan ready to lose my shizz.

But J was an awesome flower girl at M's wedding. She and the ring bearer were super cute, it was a lovely ceremony and celebration, and M's looked phenomenal in a dress made by J-town. Really a pretty perfect day.

J is planning on bringing the invitation in for show and tell. But I think everyone at school knows about it, since when I called to say that she wasn't coming in on Friday, the person who answered the phone said - "Oh I know, J is going to be a flower girl in a wedding on Long Island." I guess J had already spread the news.

Memories....

J's school has a day at Seasame Place this June, so we were thinking back to our trip there last year. We talked about the elmo cupcake, the water rides, and then J told me we left really fast because of the rain.

And she was right. I totally forgot, but once she said that I remembered that we left as the drizzle started. That boo has a redonk memory.

PIZZA! UPDATE!

I am tired and no longer interested in the pizza, but I now have to wait up for it.

At least it will not disappoint when it get here.

PIZZA!

I am drunk after a date where I am confused as to whether he is awesome, just thinks he is awesome, or was trying to convince me he is awesome with nothing to back that shizz up. So I came home and ordered pizza.

Mothers' Day

I actually had a good weekend this weekend. Played two soccer games and then had drinks with the team. Then it was Mothers' Day, a holiday I kind of dread. But this one was probably the best one yet. First, J decided that she needed to line up all her shoes and discuss them:


Then J, my mom, dad and I went to the Art Museum for brunch. None of us had ever been there and it is actually totally awesome. So we decided to become members. And pose on the steps, modified Rocky-style.


J was really funny at the museum. She had to carry a purse, of course, and her own map. Once she realized that I could read descriptions to her regarding what she was looking at, I had to read all of them. Here she is asking me to explain a painting that had an image of God in red tones, looking down on the Crucifiction "Mommy who is that red guy?"


Finally, she decided that she would just read them herself.


Happy Mothers' Day to everyone out there, Moms, moms-to-be and those who help out Moms....

Dancing Fools

Jillian muscled her way into a ballet class that her friend Lexi is in. The class was full so I couldn't sign her up, but she went with her friend every week and stared longingly at the girls in their leotards. Eventually the teacher just let her in. Persistent little boo.

We will see if she has a future in dance....not sure if these are the faces of the next great American ballerinas.

Someday....

I hope for alot of things, like kissing a boy again, my child's happiness, and to someday write another coherent blog post. But as of the 17th of this month I had billed about 174 hours. So I am no closer to kissing a boy, I haven't really seen my child and I have not blogged. The last two are related because without seeing J I haven't been able to take pictures of her, which are usually the focus of each post.

Once things calm down, I hope to post. I have a bachelorette party to go to in a few weeks, so maybe I will get drunk enough to be attractive to a boy and thus be able to report on that ellusive kiss. But more likely, the subject matter will involve Jillian and whatever gem she has shared. Which I am sure any reader will appreciate more.

Now, off to make money for the partnership....

Livin' La Vida Loca

I am sitting and watching "New Moon," which I paid $4.99 for on on demand. And it is TERRIBLE. I admit I read each of the Twilight books in about two days and enjoyed them for the most part. But this movie is a disaster. I had settled in with a cup of tea, Boo in bed, ready to relax, but this movie is actually making me angry. So now I blog.

About nothing in particular....so here are a few shots of how J and I spent our Friday night.

First, she decided to get fancy. Or as I like to call it, "dress like a crazy person." Then she loaded up two stuffed puppies and a doll into a stroller and we went to get some pizza. Because that makes sense. I took one look at the stroller and said "are you really taking all that crap?" When we got to the restaurant J looked at me and said "I need a place to park all this crap." Nice. After pizza, we went to the park. To do the following:

Walk the dog:


Then do alittle "parenting" by pushing the doll in a swing:


Still more parenting tasks, such as picking up the child after it falls off the swing and crashes to the ground (note to those that recently because parents, ahem, bizarley and THC, this is not what to do with your new baby on the playground):

Step one - baby in treacherous position:


Step two - when baby falls, check in on it:


Then we went inside and J decided to be a vet for awhile. But notice she would not put down her "pocketbook."



All in all not a bad Friday night even though I am now sitting alone, AGAIN. Only if I never put on this dumb ass movie.

The Apple, it does not fall far....

On Wednesday, Jillian saw a commercial for Sketchers, the shoes. And a can of worms was opened. Now, she has always been interested in shoes. She has a million pairs and is very picky about when she will wear what. But this was a whole new level of obsession.

As we ate breakfast, we talked about Sketchers. She wanted pink ones and then "brown ones with sparkles that are boots." The second request was confusing, as I had not seen the commercial (I was brushing my teeth), but alittle googling taught me that she mean a high top chuck taylor like shoe. Anyway, she talked and talked and talked about them. I told her that we can get Sketchers, because she needs shoes anyway. So then on the walk to school she negotiated when exactly we would purchase said Sketchers. I offered Saturday, she said why not after work that day? I offered Saturday again, she accepted.

So we went to the mall this weekend. Luckily, they had the Sketchers she wanted at Nordstroms. They are pink, COVERED in sequins, and have butterflies on them. They are redonk. And apparently they are called "twinkle toes." And apparently, I have to refer to them as "twinkle toes" not as "sparkly sneakers."* She also picked out about four other pairs of shoes and proceeded to try on the floor samples as she was soooo excited. Finally, we got someone to help us and she informed him that "the commercial told me that I should want them." Then she tried on the Sketchers and two other pairs of sandals. We negotiated that she could get the Sketchers, er Twinkle Toes and ONE pair of sandals if she was good for the rest of the day, listened to me and didn't fuss at bed time. Deal. We shook on it and everything. I guess that shoes are worth pretty much anything.

Then the entire way home she held the box of Sketchers and said "I love my Sketchers" over and over again.

Thus, so while my child does not look like me at all, I know she is mine because at age three she is obsessed with shoes.

In other news, on the playground I overheard an adult tell her, "Looks like you figured that out" and J respond "I figure out alot of things, I am very smart." And modest.....

* Kind of like how there is no "Houston" only "Houston, Texas."

Happy St. Patty's Day!

My mom has been here this week and bought J a green outfit and shamrock barrettes. There were 6 barrettes in the package and J insisted on wearing all 6 today to school. So what the hell, go for it little boo.

In other news, today at work an assistant came by and asked if I wanted to go to the bar at lunch. I figured maybe my new firm was cooler than I originally thought and they went for green beers at lunch on St. Patrick's Day. I was really busy, but again, what the hell, I'll drink at lunch. Thus, my answer was "always, where are we going?"

Turns out that she was asking if I wanted to go to a Philadelphia Bar association event where John King was speaking at lunch. Whoops.

In my defense, she was wearing green. Thus, I took her for one to celebrate the day.

Oh well. Lately, I have been thinking that I need a job that is easy. My life is a constant brain fart and I feel like I am not smart enough to do my job. Any suggestions?

Like Sands Through the Hour Glass

So are the days of our lives....only mine is not worthy of a tv show. There are no evil twins, secret pregnancies that end in a baby being stolen, and no Stefano DeMuro.

Today is the Erin Express, a Philly tradition and an complete drunken debacle. It also marks my three year anniversary of living here. I can't believe it has been three years, yet at the same time, it feels like I have been here forever. J is alot bigger, I have a new job, I have more bad dates under my belt, I worry about my parents more, but other than that - still a lawyer, still single, still basically the same.

I have two divorced friends, who have been separated/divorced for about the same length of time that I have been. They will both be getting married this year. I have yet to enjoy myself on a third date.

In fact, the last date I went out on was a third date. This is how it ended - I get in a cab, he follows me, I say that is ok, he gets in anyway, I try to pay for the cab, he won't let me (he wouldn't let me pay for anything over the course of the three dates and was kind of flashy about money while at the same time condescending about it), I informed him that my money was good and that I had a job, cab stops I get out and say I am fine, he starts to get out, I push him back into the cab and said "don't" then I walked to my house.

Needless to say, we were not making any love pies.

Sigh. Everyone keeps saying that it will get better. I guess I will just keep waiting. Until I am in a nursing home by myself hoping J visits.

I apologize for the lack of postings lately. I have been swamped at work. I have not seen my office in two weeks because I have been traveling and I am so exhausted I don't know what to do. Which is a bummer because I like blogging and I don't want to lose the few readers I have!