Day of Ever Increasing Annoyance

You know how sometimes you have one of those days that starts out fine, then seems to just go downhill. And you wind up annoyed, unsettled, and arggghhhyy for no real reason. That was my day today.

There isn't a specific reason for my bad mood. If I was to lay blame anywhere, I would lay it at the feet of our jacked up economy. The economic woes are far reaching and I know that people have it much worse than I do, but still it is stressing the eff out of me. Mostly because this is the scenario that I have in my head:

I have two major filings for the same client on March 2. Thus, I am very busy. However, I cannot continue to work for this client (which is how I spend 50% of my time) for two reasons (1) they are pushing back on bills and do not want senior associates on their cases and (2) the case team is a boys club, so I never get to do anything substantial, they don't bother to review me so I don't get credit for the work I do, and it has substantially stunted my career.

So after March 2, I am done with it. Yup, done with what fills up 50% of my time. Then what will happen is that I will be alot less busy (I am trying to drum up work already and have had some success but there is just less to go around). Also, as mentioned earlier in this blog, I am not the go getter that my colleagues are. Thus, after a month or two, I get laid off.*

I have no job and have no real prospects of getting one, so I have to move in with my parents. Except they live out of state, so I have to petition the court to let me take Jillian. X fights me on this because he gets free legal assistance at his firm (I don't plus in this scenario I don't have a job anyway), and I either have to leave J in PA or figure something else out, such as asking my parents to give up their NJ home and live with me.

Thus, it is a bad scene and stresses me out on a daily basis. Stupid economy.

I also realize that this catastrophic thinking is a sign of depression. Don't worry, I know that.

But is that it? Is that all that is contributing to the mood? No. Lately I have been feeling what I call "the nothing." "The nothing" is the term for the fact that I have not felt anything about anyone in "that" way for months on end. In away the nothing is good, because if you have no real outlet for something, the nothing makes that easier to deal with. But the nothing is really unsettling as you are lonely but have nothing really to give and nothing really to motivate you to get out there again.

Then over the weekend, I lost the nothing. Nothing happened, but I spoke to someone at a bar who made me laugh, was cute, and made the nothing go away. Then I went home. Alone. No exchange of information. Today I realized why I had defensively gone into nothing mode - it sucks when you are interested in someone and they don't like you back. Trust me, I have had enough experience to speak on that as an expert. It may suck more than the nothing. So I am formulating a plan to become dead inside again (at least in that arena).

I am a big fat whiner. I know. I am going to go to book club now and drink wine and be around people. Perhaps that will cheer me up.


* Please note that I am looking for a job, rather than waiting for the moment I no longer have one. I got an interview at a company which went well, then the next week they were bought by another company. Strike one. I have an interview to go to the plaintiff's side of the bar, but they want someone much more senior. I am going to do my best. Keep your fingers crossed for me.