A New Form of Torture

Tonight I had to attend what would be "back to school night" in a normal school, but since J goes to a Montessori school, it is back to school night on crack. First there was a pot luck dinner with awkward mingling. And a bizarre selection of food because we were assigned to bring a dish for a particular course (apps, main, dessert) by last name but there were too many people with last names in the dessert category. I know, dear reader, you are worried that my homemade panna cotta got lost in the shuffle. Yeah right, more like cheesecake from a bakery in the Comcast Center food court.

I digress. After dinner was a "workshop." With icebreakers. I admit that perhaps I dislike too many things, including but not limited to, pictures of babies dressed as flowers, Chuck Palahniuk novels, city wide scavenger hunts for adults, cooked salmon, Disney Princesses, etc., but ICEBREAKERS are also on the list. I HATE THEM. Find someone who is left handed!!! One of you has met the President!!! Seriously, just kill me now. While tonight's icebreaker at least involved our kids' classroom and was only five questions long with one BONUS question, it still sucked.

I digress again. Weird dinner and ICEBREAKERS were not the full extent of the torture. So you know how things like this are almost bearable if you have a go-to person to talk to during the awkward dinner? Or someone that you can turn to and make fun of the parent who seriously just asked how many times the children wash their hands per day (if that is what you are worried about lady, you better be the one to volunteer for all the shit they want parents to do because clearly you have alot of time on your hands)? Well, when I went to roll my eyes at the hipster*/rock-a-billy, nose ringed, tatted up mom who needed attention like I need a date (read: badly) who asked who "my person" was - she wanted to know my kid's name but couldn't just ask like a normal person because she was so tragically hip - I only had X to commiserate with. On top of the fact that we do not particularly enjoy each other's company, he doesn't appreciate me criticizing the tragically hip.

Not to be dramatic, but it was what I imagine it was like when during the Tudor period some people were not just beheaded, but hung first THEN took down alive THEN beheaded. Here it was not just awkward dinner, but workshop with icebreakers, and then having only X as company and to joke with. Blech.

*Please note that while I rail against hipsters alot, I don't have a problem with people who are legitimately being themselves, including genuinely hip people. Anyway, this sentiment applies to anyone who trying too hard to be something; not just hipsters - it could be a dirty hippie/trustafarian, a suited up douche-bag handing his card out at the bar, whoever.

First Day in What is Hopefully a Long Academic Career

Today was the first day of school. But it was just a short day with a parent staying in the classroom. What in Montessori terms is a "transition day."

After initially telling me this morning that she was actually not big enough to go to school yet, J was a superstar. She hung her backpack up in her cubby and went straight into the classroom. Absolutely not a care as to whether I was there. She checked everything out and was excited by things such as The Very Hungry Caterpillar ("hey we have that book at my house!"); steps up to a book nook ("can I put this book back?"); doing puzzles; playing with finger puppets; and chatting up a storm.

The highlight, however, was the toddler sized toilets and sinks. J LOVES when there are legit plumbing fixtures that are her size. That was the one time she acknowledged me - "MOMMY THERE ARE SMALL SINKS HERE!!! I WASHED MY HANDS IN A SMALL SINK!!!"

Whatever gets you through the day, little boo.

Leaving Your Child Unattended

I admit to sometimes turning my back on J. Yeah, yeah, go ahead - judge. But it happens. Plus she learned to lock her bedroom door, which is awesome and not scary at all as I try to turn the knob and can't get in, wondering what the eff she is doing. So we are getting to that point where I just can't watch her every second. Well, maybe we have been there since oh, October 8, 2006.

Annnnyyyyyyywwwwwwaaaaaayyyyy, J wanted to do her own hair one day. Not a problemo as I don't do a very good job with her hair myself. So I handed her the basket of clips and hair ties. I turned my back and here is the result.





Another popular activity for when I am not paying attention is playing pranks on me. The current hilarioso prank is "hide the snake" (totally unrelated to the Ride the Snake Club from college). Basically this is how it goes: (1) J hides a snake (she has a shockingly large collection of snakes) and (2) I find it and "freak out" while she laughs. Examples below. The snake used in the pictures below was purchased by justsomeguy for J in Mexico during our infamous funship cruise and loves quite candlelight dinners, cuddling, world travel (obviously) and napping in between the pillows on the couch. Just in case you were curious about the snake's interests and background. (Yes, I read alot of personals...shut it.)

The Ropes

On Saturday J and I had the following conversation:

Me: Do you want to go to the Please Touch Museum tomorrow with Grandma and Grandpa?
J: Please Touch? Yes.
Me: You'll show Grandma and Grandpa the ropes?
J: Yup

The please touch museum was not discussed again until brunch Sunday morning.

Me: So what are you going to show Grandma and Grandpa at the please touch museum?
J: The ropes
Me: Huh? They don't have ropes at the please touch museum...
Grandpa: Yesterday you asked her if she would show us the ropes.
J: Yeah, the ropes.

I had totally forgotten that I had used that expression. Of course J hadn't and was using the expression literally.

I had cute pictures to post but for some reason my camera and computer are in a fight an the pictures are not downloading. This is the new camera that I recently purchased to replace the one I got for Christmas that decided to only take pictures of black squares. I am annoyed.

Putting the hurt on some corn

J loves corn on the cob. It is hilarious to watch her put ear after ear away. Today I skipped school (work) and we went to Wegman's together. (Where by the way, you can purchase a snuggie, so it was gratitude overlap - J, snuggie, wegz). Anyway, we got some fresh jersey corn. One of the many things Jersey just gets right. That along with political corruption and hair that doesn't move in a tornado.

J puts away cob one:



Notice that the mac and cheese isn't even touched - MAC AND CHEESE! NOT TOUCHED!



Then round two:



How does one burn off all these corn calories, you may ask? Easy. Wiggle Dance

Gratitude List

Last night I was watching "Secret Lives of Women: Mothers of Murderers" which was oddly riveting, and at one point a mom was sharing how her son who is in jail for life makes it through the day.

Apparently, the son said that he keeps a "gratitude list" of things he can be grateful for despite his situation. While I had a typically whiney post planned, I decided that if a dude in jail for life can find some stuff to be grateful for, so can I. So here we go - my gratitude list as of today.

1. A healthy, funny child



2. My family - sisters included even though they are not in the picture



3. My snuggie


4. My friends, old and new, the ones I see, the ones I don't see often but pick up with as if we hadn't been apart, all of them. (No picture because I wasn't sure who would want the extreme popularity that comes with being associated with this blog. I am talking paparazzi, being stopped on the street, all the trappings of fame.) Wait, I lied, here is a cute one and since it was Auntie L's birthday celebration, she was famous anyway. As is Baby E as she a baby about town.



5. The fact that I have a job

6. My education



7. The fact that I am not on the Maury Show (I am watching it dvr'ed right now because I was home with food poisoning on Monday and saw the first half of "I slept with two sisters am I the father of both their children?" and could not bear to not find out the answer, so I recorded the next day's episode and the results are in - HE IS NOT THE FATHER!!! Of the baby of the sister he is not dating, THANK GOODNESS I KNOW)

8. My general physical health

9. My jacuzzi tub or more that I was able to create a nice space for myself, as in it was in my reach to do so.



10. The fact that J will experience "picture day" for the first time on January 29 (I was looking at her school calendar today because I don't want to blow more deadlines - I almost booked a trip for myself to the beach for her first week of school EVER, nice work)

11. Wegmans


12. My house, leaving aside the pesky mortgage

13. My ability to leave X despite being in a "delicate way" (huge) and scared out of my mind, instead of still being in a terrible relationship to this date - I am grateful for this for myself and for J, as I do think it is better for her that we are not together



14. Generic prescription sleeping pills

15. Cheeseburgers and a good beer



I had a goal to write 15 things, without all of them being a joke. Of course many of the things I am grateful for have corresponding things that bring me down and thus were conjured in the making of the list. Or for example, my diamond stud earring would have been on the list, if they had not gone missing.* I tried to compartmentalize the bad from the good, and did so for the most part other than the mortgage thing.

*these earrings are of import because I bought them for myself as a present when I got my first bonus from the firm. I had had a bad day, X had been particularly miserable, and I just went for it, rationalizing that I would have them forever. And also that it was taking the money and turning into something that X would not notice as an asset if we separated. So he couldn't take them. Thus, their disappearance is very disappointing for those reasons. Also I wore them pretty much every day. I guess earrings are just "things" so I should let it go. But I am bummed. Anyhoo, I am grateful to have had them for the years I did.

Chubby Yoga

J was demonstrating some yoga moves today when I got home from my cool job.

First, she needed to get out a mat.



Then find a spot in "class."



Start with a little down dog split.



Then tree pose.



End with airplane pose.



Namaste.