Elmo is Naughty!

Jillian has fallen for Elmo. It started with a book in which Elmo is only tangentially involved. Why of all the characters she focused on him, I have no idea, but apparently kids gravitate to that red fuzz ball who only speaks in the third person. So we got her an Elmo doll. Today when I got home from work, she insisted on putting a bib on him and giving him a bottle. Then she fed him pretzels. Then she threw him around for awhile shouting "fall down!" (she learned ring around the rosey, and that is her favorite part.)

My mom also got her an Elmo video - parents you may be familiar with the refrain "la la la la, la la la la, it Elmo's World." She loves the video. She takes the tv remote out of its hiding place (a drawer) points it at the tv and shouts ELMO! To be fair, she also knows that Barney is on the tv and sometimes demands him (who oddly I prefer). Anyway, in one part of the Elmo video he asks two of the most annoying characters ever created, Mr. Noodle and his sister Ms. Noodle (played by Tony award winner, Kristen Chenoweth for reasons unknown, I would think she be getting better roles), to teach him about taking turns. So they do; they take turns on a swing. After they are done Elmo looks to the camera and says "those Noodles are a bunch of swingers!!"

Honestly, I cracked up when I heard that. Jillian has developed a "cocktail laugh" where she laughs whenever an adult does, I think just to be part of the crowd. So she started laughing. There we were, me and my daughter, just a couple of girls laughing about Elmo being naughty.

I hope there will be more laughter in the future, and perhaps less freakin' Elmo.

I hate the Oscars

So tonight I settled in to watch the Oscars, alone, unless m&m's count as company, and realized that each year I have a terrible day the day of the Academy Awards.

Two years ago, they fell on MSTBX's birthday. He wanted to go to a specific restaurant and the only time I could get reservations was 5pm. So I made them, invited him and both of our sisters, and puked. I was a few weeks pregnant, so I could not drink and was still feeling really crappy and puked all the time. Then he found out that the dinner conflicted with the Oscars, which apparently he really wanted to watch (they start early on the West Coast). He repeatedly called the reservation stupid, yelled at me, and made the night miserable in general. So I just continued to try and make it a nice night, while running off to puke while everyone else enjoyed their gin and tonics. Oh and then I picked up the pricey tab. Then I sat alone in my bedroom for the rest of the night, with him refusing to speak to me.

The person who had recommended the restaurant was the woman he was sleeping with.

Last year, if you refer to my old blog, you will see that I was studying for the PA bar. Just before the Oscars, I found out that MSTBX was going to NYC that weekend to visit his new girlfriend, who I did not know about, despite the fact that he and I lived in the same house and he was still making me miserable. So while I tried to study, took care of J, and all that jazz, I tried to take my mind off things by watching the Oscars. Take my mind off things like the fact that he was probably having sex with her and/or cuddling with her at that very moment. I hope that none of my readers ever have to learn what it feels like to find out your husband is cheating on you after the fact, and then realize it hurts more to know that it is going on in real time. So for the 4 hour show I sat there, nursed J, and cried. With my bar bri materials open next to me. Well that sums up that whole awful weekend, not just my Academy Award experience.

That was the worst weekend. It was when I realized just how little I meant to MSTBX, just how little respect he had for me as his wife, soon to be ex-spouse, and J's mom. Note, he knew how hurt I was by this, as he watched me bawl for a day before getting in a cab with my kid, study materials, and fly to my parents' house. Then he got on his plane to NYC.

Alright, sorry to be a Debbie Downer, it is just that today has not been the best day. And now it all makes sense. The writers couldn't hold out alittle longer.....just kidding.

Someday, these memories will fade. Hopefully even will be replaced by new ones.

Pop Quiz

Which one is bizarley doing Karaoke at her party? And we HAVE TO get her that outfit for next time.

And yes, this post is just so that when I (or anyone) opens this blog, the first thing they see is no longer me trying to pole dance.

More baby J, who may have to be upgraded to toddler J at this point, pictures soon. I had to let all the booze and fried from this weekend get out of my system before I could take more pictures.

I'm too sexy for my....oh wait, I am not sexy

Here is evidence of my non-sexiness, my attempt at pole dancing. Don't worry kids, I didn't land on my head in that last picture. But I don't think I will be whipping out the g-string any time soon (for many many many reasons, lack of pole dancing skillz being fairly low on that list).

So why was I pole dancing? It was part of bizarley's bachelorette party in New Orleans and it actually was really fun. As was the eating, drinking, karaoke, and NBA All-star game festivities. Bizarley had the goal of meeting Sir Charles Barkley and she shockingly met that goal (well, she saw him up close leaving a bar). THC would be proud of her behavior this weekend. I am sure she will post about it on her blog - if she EVER POSTS AGAIN.

While traveling I stupidly decided to purchase "Parenting" magazine to give the whole "good parent" thing a go. This publication is the biggest waste of paper ever. One mom tip was "spend one afternoon a month alone to keep you grounded." Another, "thank your husband for taking out trash." So honey, thanks for.....OH WAIT. I take out my own f'in trash, along with doing every other household chore, including bug killing, drain de-clogging, and all the other "husband duties" listed. Thus, I am not the audience for the idyllic Parenting magazine. So I also bought Cosmo. So now I know how to "make dinner fun" and "101 ways to Blow his mind." Again, somewhat useless knowledge as there is no "him."

Perhaps if I worked on my pole dancing?

Anyway, I toast (with my hurricane, of course) to you the ladies of bizarley's bachelorette party!! It was a blast and I look forward to doing it up Lexington style in May.

GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!

Fun Ship 2008, etc.

Ok, ok. I am now in the running for worst blogger ever. Bizarley is giving me a run for my money, that's right I am putting you on shout, for least posts in 2008. In my defense, I have been excessively lazy lately.

Anyhoo, I will try to be better and actually have many posts in mind. I have been keeping a list, right next to my list of topics for charades. First and foremost I want to say, seriously go buy Jbux's book. It is a great book, funny, well-written, appropriate mix of angst and resolution of angst, and I went to her very crowded book signing in NYC and saw first hand that she is big time. Crazy to think that she once wiped a booger on me.

Now onto the topic of this post. A few weeks ago, I went on vacation - first to New Orleans and then on to a Carnival Cruise to Mexico. I had never been on a cruise before and most likely, will never be on one again.

Please note that I had a blast with the people I was traveling with. Once we realized that the things you can do during a "fun day at sea" are eat, gamble, drink, eat, eat, eat, enter a hairiest chest contest, feel sick, eat, and make fun of people, we settled in to make the most of it. And we did. Justsomeguy made it to the finals of a blackjack tourney, Young D made it to the finals of a slot tourney, justsomeguys sister and my sister both won rounds of bingo (those old ladies were so jealous), and H and I generally were big losers, but whatever. I won at the 24 hour pizza bar.

Some observations re: cruises -
- When you pay a total of $409 for a 5 day vacation, you should not be surprised when the person boarding the boat in front of you is wearing a shirt that says "Let's flip a coin: Heads I get Tail, Tail I get Head."
- On captain's night, people are hella fancy. I mean, they rent tuxes, get their hair did, don as many sequins as humanly possible, and go to THE EXACT SAME PLACE, SAME TABLE AS THEY ATE EVERY OTHER MEAL. Bizarre.
- People apparently love to have their pictures taken by "professional" photographers in front of various pull down screens. Sometimes holding a rose and looking wistfully into the distance, sometimes with a person dressed as a Mayan Indian, sometimes with the whole family standing on the stairs, sorority style. Then all the pictures are put up for the whole cruise to view and purchase. My sister tried to take a picture of the displays, but got in trouble. In fact, she had to delete the picture she took. Tough security on the funship.
- Towel animals (see above), do not make the cruise better.
- Mexico was pretty fun. We spent the day at the beach and that is how I like to spend my time. The picture looks like a corona ad. Unfortunately, we had to get back on that damn boat to get home.
- The best thing about the cruise, besides my companions, was the butter. Seriously, I have never had more delicious butter. I would have taken some off the ship if not for (1) customs and (2) what the hell would I do with packets of butter while traveling home?

For more on cruises and disillusionment, I suggest reading David Foster Wallace's "A Supposedly Fun Thing I Would Never Do Again."

Alright, I came to work at 7 a.m. because I am so busy, and this is what I am doing. More posts to come - here is a preview - Elmo, self-awareness, and more bachelorette antics.