??? Anniversary

Today is the year anniversary from the date I found out that my husband was cheating on me. We went out to dinner and then as soon as we got home he got on the computer. As he passed me in the hall he to get to the computer I thought he was going to give me a kiss, but he didn't. I asked for one - he refused. That made me feel awesome.

So I knew he spent alot of time im-ing on the computer and I asked him if he had ever fooled around with the woman he spent all that time chatting with. Someone he worked with at HCRC in San Francsisco. He said no. I pushed it and he said they had kissed one night drunk at a bar. Mind you, that going out and getting drunk was one of his favorite things to do since I couldn't exactly tag along and neither could our fetus. I am no dummy and realize that people in their 30's (she was 39 at the time and still enjoyed doing cocaine, probably still does) don't exactly "just kiss." So it came out that they had slept together.

A few days later, when luckily my mom had come out to SF, it came out that they had an on going affair.

Now that it is a year later, he has come to the conclusion that it was all my fault. That I was a bad wife. That this person, Sue, made him feel special. This person, a 39 year old who looks like she had been rode hard and put away wet, who still does hard core drugs, and cannot go to certain bars because she has screwed one too many bartenders there gave him some boost of self esteem. As of today, he takes no responsibility for anything. He has a new girlfriend and a new reason to feel good about himself. Yet he has no real friends to turn to - not even the 39 year old slut.

This post is mean - I realize that. It is probably too mean and probably immature on my part. I had to spend two hours with him yesterday at the pediatrician (don't worry baby J is fine) and found it so infuriating. He feels that I owe him something - that I need to bow down to the things he has been through without any acknowledgement as to how his own actions got him where he is.

So that all being said, I am glad that this year is over. If you look on my old blog you will notice there were two posts on August 22, 2006. That is what I was doing while he screwed his mistress for the last time before I found out. I was excitedly (and perhaps stupidly so) posting about our baby. He was rolling around naked with someone else.

Again, apologize for the nastiness of this post. While I have come a long way, I still have days where it is all still overwhelming. Today is just one of those days. So I think I will go home and follow baby J's lead in the picture above. Take off one sock and go to sleep.