I have decided to dub 2009 the "Year of Quiet Resignation." This means that I will quietly resign myself to what my life is, rather than rage against the things I don't like about it or that I cannot change.
For example, no more crying when X treats me poorly. He and his girlfriend are in my life (unfortunately), unable to treat me like a human being (also unfortunate), and there is nothing I can do about it. So, while I previously tried and tried and tried to get him to be nice to me, even in a small way, I am giving that up. I will quietly resign myself to these facts and just keep on keepin' on.
Or my job. As previously mentioned, I am not winning any eager beaver awards there and as success is measured in billable hours, I am not going to be super successful in having a long term career at my firm. Rather than rage against this by freaking out, quitting in a fireball of bridge-burning fury, or other such totally sane reaction, I will quietly do my work, take my pay check, and see what happens.
Also, I will not get angry when I have a killer headache on a Sunday and no one to help me with J when all I want to do is shut the lights off and pretend the world doesn't exist. I won't be sad when day after day, no one is there to ask me how my day was, share the chores or financial obligations, give me some positive reinforcement that I am not a total screw up as a parent, give me a hug +, blah blah. I will instead turn on the Wii, play the piano, read a book, or watch bad tv (including but not limited to Rock of Love Three which is a total disaster that I cannot tear my eyes away from) and remember that even when I did have a husband, he did none of the things listed above (in fact he did the opposite of support me or share in obligations) so I am better off now.
I will not lament my single status, or lack of prospects. I will just resign myself to it for now, and again, see what happens. If I meet someone who won't like me because I have a kid, rather than get mad at that person, I will just quietly accept it and move on.
Thus, the "Year of Quiet Resignation." I am not sure if this will lead me to be happy with what I have in life, and accept what I cannot change, or whatever saying is appropriate (with the caveat that I am looking for a new job and would not turn down a date if asked out) or if it will cause me to try my hand at severe depression. I realize this post sounds like a bitter plea for pity, but it isn't really. It is a new outlook as I usually freak out and try desperately to change my life (some times admittedly these changes work out well). I promise that I am not trying to make "quiet resignation" into "complete loss of hope" even though that seems like a very fine line.
3 comments:
I think spelling it out for yourself sometimes just makes you feel better. Some stuff just...is. And we can't change it. And you certainly are better off without a douchebag like your X!
Yeah-Rock of Love 3 is insane and I am embarassed that I watch it. What was up with that blonde girl with the lips on all the meds? And crotch shots? No. flippin. way.
none of that matters when you have the most awesome kid ever! i'm pretty sure one hug from J is worth 100 hugs from anyone else.
if you're down & out, remember, it's all good. we're in college.
I think resignation is actually a good platform for moving forward. It's a passive word but it also signals acceptance of the way things are, which frees up energy from wishing the way things are were actually different.
Anyway it's still hard to resign yourself to big things. It's taken me two years to admit "I don't have a dog anymore" because he lives with my stupid ex.
But I applaud your effort!
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