I was talking to a few friends the other day and the name of another single acquaintance cameup. One friend said that she had this cute, smart single guy to set up with our acquaintance. It struck me that this person knew I was single, and interested in dating, but had never mentioned this guy to me. I jokingly said, why didn't you set me up, and she matter of factly said because I had a baby. This guy would out of pocket not be interested in me because of baby J.
I guess I looked a bit stunned, as I had forgotten that baby J is a "minus" in the dating world, and she said in a very matter of fact/analytical way that it would be the same way if the guy had a baby and a smart-single-childless-girl was looking.
For some reason, this conversation has just stuck with me, even though it occurred three weeks ago. I guess that there just will be guys who aren't interested in even meeting me because I have a baby. But I also feel very misunderstood at the same time - for reasons I don't understand. I think I have a lot going for me, and I guess as I list sweatpants with cuffs as a deal breaker it is only fair for a guy to list has a kid as a deal breaker.
The thing is - and I am not trying to be obnoxious - the guys I know that are single, or the guys my friends know that are single, are the somewhat successful, educated at a top school, grad degree, kind of guy. And those are the guys that won't even give me a chance. They are the ones who won't bring me home to mom. And that makes me sad.
It is not like I got knocked up drunk at a bar (and let's face it some of these guys may have kids they don't even know about running around). I planned to start a family with my husband, did so, only to have him abandon me in a cruel way. So I am not a slut or anything. I am just pretty young to be divorced, a fairly young "professional" mom, and would like to meet someone like me.
Unfortunately, those people don't want to meet me.
And yes, I do realize that the baby thing is an issue - it should be. And I don't want to be with someone that won't accept J. I just feel sad about it all. And stuck at the same time.
4 comments:
M maybe you are over-reacting? Any mature man will not have an issue with you having a baby. For real. A man worth knowing. If the man rules you out on the basis of you already have a baby, he's not worthy your while anyway. And many successful men will be fine with you having a kid. So don't use it as an excuse - a man worth knowing is just that, a man worth knowing. And if he's a jerk, he's not. This is just one guy!!! And he must be immature, or he wouldn't rule it out. And he's a jerk, full stop. And you dont need to date a jerk. So don't be discouraged. Your friend was kind of a jerk for even saying that to you.
A smart, successful man wants the same - a smart, successful woman. And you fit the bill, so don't forget that.
It's all hypothetical and anecdotal. Very few things are actually deal breakers. I'm willing to bet that if you met an amazing guy only to find out that he had a large collection of elastic cuff sweats, you'd still go for him.
If it helps to hear an anecdotal account of it happening, i just went to my cousin's wedding 2 weeks ago - he's a successful lawyer out of a top law school and married another successful lawyer, who also happens to be a single mom.
I was kind of hurt when the friend told me that he wouldn't date me because of the baby. It was just so matter of fact and like I had to accept it because it made logical sense. And I am not sure if she made that call or put it to him and he made it.
As far as over-reacting - no, I am not. I am not crying about this everyday or anything. I am actually dating someone so it shouldn't be an issue. It is more that it was so in my face again and through a friend. For some reason this really hurt my feelings. My having a baby has not changed who I am (other than adding mom to the list). I am just as smart and fun as I used to be, perhaps more tired but I have started actually using under-eye concealer, and less trusting of people so to have people judge me is frustrating. And to have people that know me accept that because I have a kid as a reason to not even consider meeting me hurt my feelings. And it was in the context that I would feel the same way if I didn't have a kid and met someone who did. Life doesn't always go as planned so all those guys who won't meet me and all those people that won't set me up because of baby J might meet a hiccup or two in their roads and need some understanding at somepoint. Not to be made to feel like less worthy or something.
Also, I really don't believe that every guy that would not date me because of baby J is a jerk. I do accept that as being an issue. That doesn't make it easier to swallow all the time.
Yes, if I met a fabulous guy who had a closet full of cuffed sweatpants or even pleated khakis that treated me well, wasn't constently thinking that he deserved someone better, accepted me for who and what I am, I would overlook the sweatpants.
And just some guy - your story does give me hope. Know any other cute single lawyers? :)
Miss both of you terribly.
why is everyone knockin' the cuffed sweatpants??? you KNOW i have a soft spot in my heart for those.
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