Dorking out

I realized that I have compiled an arsenal of things to keep me occupied when I am either stuck in the house because J is sleeping or stuck in the house because I have no plans, it is cold and I don't want to go outside. I now have (1) a piano (2) a treadmill (3) a Wii (4) paint, that I have been using to paint walls in my house to varying degrees of success (5) The Wire all seasons (6) dvr (7) laundry....

I got the Wii for Christmas and it is somewhat addicting. Then on Christmas Eve, I attended my cousins' annual party involving Jameson (not Protestant)* whiskey shots and Rock Band. After a few glasses of wine, and some other libations, I tried the it out and had a hilarious good time even though I totally sucked.

So I bought it, well I bought Guitar Hero World Tour because that is what Circuit City had for the Wii. Last night, my mom, dad and sister played too. For hours. J of course had to get involved. She may have the most natural rhythm of any of us.

Now I am a total dork, playing by myself...I have no bandmates. But it is still fun. And funny that I am not playing my nice piano but instead banging on fake drums.

I will say that both the piano and Guitar Hero have restored my faith in the merits of "practice." The law has slowly taken it away as I may be getting better at it, but there is no real gratification in that. With Guitar Hero, I practice until I can get through a song. Then when I get through the song it tells me I ROCK and gives me "cash." I find it very rewarding.

That all being said, if anyone wants to join my band, you know where to find me. I think I will call us "Wild Rumpus." **

*that is a Wire reference, absolutely nothing against Protestants.
**Points towards making the band if you know where I pulled that name from.

A piece of Barack

Montel Williams in hocking Obama commemorative coins.

https://www.obamacoincollection.com/Default.aspx?mid=528810#order

If you don't like coins you can get a commemorative plate.


In these tough economic times, I don't think Obama wants us spending $19.95 on images of him on plates and/or coins. Keep your money, he will still be the man of hope and bring change and you will have $19.95 more dollars than if you bought the plate. And I am sure he will still appreciate your support without displaying him on a PLATE.

Extraordinary (minus the extra)

I am not a super star at my law firm. I do my work, make people laugh by coming in to work wearing Phillies attire, and go home. And now, as I enter my 6th year as an associate at the same firm (which I thought I would NEVER do), I have to suck up my ordinariness and admit that, given that there are 7 people still here in my class year, I will not make partner.

I admit to not being the best little employee. Over the years, I have always gone to weddings, parties, gatherings, whatever, to see my friends. I have taken vacations so that I am the one to show J the beach for the first time. I go to every doctor's appointment. I come home by 5:30 so that I can see my kid for a few hours before she goes to sleep, rather than hiring additional help so I can work late. Same for weekends. I make sure to spend time with my family.

My firm was good to me throughout my separation and move. I am very grateful for that and always will be. It was a great relief to know I would have a job when I came out of all of it.

But the fairy tale only lasts so long. The dork in me wants an A, to make partner. However, the mom, daughter, friend, etc in me knows that I don't have the time, support, or desire to get that A. And that deep down I don't even want the prize that goes with the A. So I need to learn to be ok with a B. This will be hard. I hate to lose. Like really really hate it.

I will start looking for a new job in 2009. Keep your fingers crossed for me. It is time to move on personally, unfortunately the stellar economy disagrees as jobs are scarce.

In other news, J and I celebrated Christmas on Saturday. See pictures. Santa brought her some presents, and I got a Wii, which I am psyched about. The downside is that now she is gone to be with X for the week and his stupid girlfriend. So I am sad and on edge anyway, and the work realization is poorly timed.

Nightmares come true

I just bought tickets for J and I to go to Disney on Ice, featuring the Little Mermaid and Tinkerbell (along with Cars and The Lion King, who are decidedly less important to J). She saw a commercial for it and was like "Ariel! Skating! I want to watch this show!" Sigh. So my kid is susceptible to advertising and I have to spend a day with Disney. DAMN YOU DISNEY PRINCESSES! It is like I look in the mirror and I don't even know myself anymore....

Progress...

J gave Santa a high five. Still no sitting on his lap though, but progress nonetheless.

The high five has been incorporated into "Santa Brings Me Presents," as the final lyric. It goes "and then I give him a high five."

Olde Time Piano Party

We got our piano on Monday and J appears to really enjoy it. Tonight she sat and played by herself for about 20 minutes. I would ask her what song she was playing and this was her set list:
- Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
- Old MacDonald
- London Bridge
- Ballerina Song
- Santa Brings Me Presents

None of the real songs involve the actual notes of the song, just her playing and singing along. The last two are original compositions. The Ballerina Song involves, yup a ballerina and she apparently can go on tippy toes. Santa Brings Me Presents is a moving piece about how J wants presents and Santa will put them under the tree but she only wants to see him through a telescope. It is well documented that J hates Santa in person. However, she does enjoy him in the abstract due to the presents he brings. I guess she was reading a book or something where Dora the Explorer or her cousin Diego uses a telescope to see Santa and the reindeer flying in the sky. In her mind, the telescope solved her problem of hating Santa in person, she could just keep up with him via telescope. She is a born problem solver.

So here are some pictures of her playing the piano, our tree, and our cat Buddy (J named him) lounging about. And yes she is wearing a tie-die t-shirt that was purchased in SF by....MY PARENTS. I know, you were going to guess X. But X is tragically HIP, not a tragic HIPPIE. Totally different.

Happy Holidays!

Holiday Overachievers

Seems that Thanksgiving has brought everyone out of a blogging funk. Lots of new posts. Except for me. I just post to acknowledge that I suck at posting. Thus achieving the title of worst blogger ever.

So I am jumping on the holiday posting band wagon. We had a good Thanksgiving, which I am sure you are relieved to know about 2 weeks after the fact. J showed off her style in a legit Burberry skirt given to us by Aunt Bizarley, and shoes from the ever high class Tar-ghey.

Not even the chubby finger of bossiness took a break for the holidays.

Then she discovered the piano. She fell in love, whipping out the chubby finger of bossiness to anyone who would pay attention and saying "you play piano with me one minute?" Given this love, and the fact that everything is on sale in these trying economic times, we bought our very own, brand new piano. I am very excited. And fully intend to pressure her to become a great muscian. Just kidding of course. I am too lazy to pressure her to do anything.

J also fed some fish. But it was freakin' cold, so I basically threw the food in the pond and called it a day. Again, please feel free to nominate me for parenting awards. And a note on that coat. Her father purchased it (second hand of course) and I think it looks like a coat that a little African-American boy would wear to church on Sunday. And he would look very cute. J looks cute, because she is J, but I have already purchased a replacement coat.

Lastly, we did some yoga. Here is J doing the pose she made up - "baby dinosaur."

Worst Blogger Ever

Sorry that I have been out of commission for a while. Just been lazy about uploading photos and basically everything else. We did get our Christmas tree up, which was mostly J's doing as she is very focused when she wants something done.

Oh and I have been watching the Wire, which truly is an awesome show. The first few episodes of each season make you wonder why everyone loves this show, but about 4 episodes in, you will be hooked. I just finished season two and I am bummed it is over.

And I have been reading the Twilight series books. Nothing like stories of teen vampire love to keep you occupied.

I guess I have also gone to work and been a mom. So there is that.

Anyway, more postings soon. I hope to have new pictures as soon as my sister can send them.

A sad goodbye....

As some of you may know, when X and I started dating, I got a cat. I named him Guido and he kept me company as X ignored me and ran around cheating on me. He also stayed with me while I labored in my room by myself before having Jillian. He let me pet him and didn't freak out as the contractions came. He was a good friend.

Guido died yesterday in his sleep. No one knows what happened. I am saddened by this, obviously, but also because I lost Guido in the divorce so I haven't seen him much over the past two years. He lived with X and because I could not stand being near X, I never saw Guido. When I went to X's house to get J or drop her off, I never stayed long enough to spend some time with Guido because of the awfulness of being around X. So I didn't get to say goodbye to my buddy.

So tonight, raise your glasses to my good buddy Guido. Even if you are that person who hates cats.

Expensive-ass, Literally

J has had a bit of diaper rash lately. It is seriously time to get out of diapers, which we are working on. Although according to the Montessori school we visited today, the "window" for potty training, or "tolieting" in proper Montessori terms, is 16-19 months. Well, we blew that deadline, so we are going with old fashion bribery (marshmellows for going on the potty), peer pressure ("See, Lexi pee-pees on the potty"), and discomfort ("Yeah, wet peed-in underwear sucks, huh?"). At a birthday party on Sunday she went to the bathroom, came out and announced to the whole party "I pee-peed on the potty!!!!" Everyone clapped and cheered. In that moment, I learned what pride truly feels like.

Anyway, back to the rash, because I know you are on pins and needles in excitment about where this story is going, J has a diaper rash. We have tried all kinds of drugstore creams and powders. The Aveeno actually seems to hurt it, the J&J doesn't do anything, Burt's Bees power is so-so and hella messy. So what to do? No, not seek advice from child rearing books or other parents, silly reader....that is never the answer in my house. Instead, this is what I did.....

Dig through your stuff and find the Kiehl's Diaper Cream that someone gave you as a gift. Try it. See that it works quickly and clears up the rash. Run out of cream, go to Kiehl's store to buy a new tube, find out that it is $18.00 for a few ounces. Sigh as you realize that your daughter's ass accepts only the most ridiculously expensive diaper rash cream money can buy.

Sigh, J has a high end booty.

Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer, I mean deadly gunshot wound...*

Oh Alabama. Seriously. Football, even SEC football is just not worth killing other folks.

*For those of you who are not aware, The University of Alabama has a million cheers and nicknames that don't make sense (at least don't make sense to me). One of them is "rammer jammer yellow hammer," and I think it has something to do with a bird (even though the mascot is an elephant and the team is the Crimison Tide). I could google all of this to better explain, but I am lazy and no one reads this blog to learn things.

Overload

I haven't posted in a while, sorry. The truth is that there just has been so much going on. First, Halloween prep (pumpkin picking, shopping, party at my parents country club), then a few days at work, then the Phillies win!!!, then VEGAS!!!!, then elections! and now finally a moment to breath. And break it all down via the blog....so here we go:

J has enjoyed all of these things. She picked a pumpkin that she couldn't carry, but got to eat a donut, so all was good. She accompanied me to the Garden State Plaza to go shoe shopping. We shopped for her first and she had her feet measured. Then when we shopped for me (you seriously didn't think I wouldn't look for myself did you?) she took a bracelet she had on and "measured" my foot. It was hilarious. She just kind of makes everyone happy and is a good little shopper. Not that surprising given that she is my kid.














We did go to a Halloween party. J got her face painted, which she normally loves. However, she hated this face painting lady (see picture) and I agreed with J's assessment. If you are mean and hate kids, why would you become a face painter? It is like me becoming a cabbie or something, given that I hate to drive and hate to chat with people randomly.















Later in the week, she insisted on watching the Phillies. She gets them confused with the Eagles, to whom she shouts "don't get hurt guys!" and "yay Phils!!," but she is a good little fan. She went to the victory parade and the cops pulled her up to the front so she could dance and shout yay Phils to the news cameras. I didn't see if she made the news because I was in VEGAS.

Yup, some fools, including Bizarley, T-Pain, justsomeguy, and Young D, traveled to Sin City to partake in some sinning, as you can see from the picture. It took me like twenty minutes and chugging two beers to have the nerve to do that. (he was a go-go dancer, not a stripper, and we were at a club, not the "gentleman's" kind). We ate, drank, played craps, didn't lose too much and had a great time. Miss everyone already.

Now, by using my advanced googling skillz, I discovered that the actor that plays Dan Scott on One Tree Hill was evil frat boy John Sears on 90210 (the original and best). He must be awesome to play a part in two fantastically crappy teen dramas!

Chubby Finger of Bossiness

Jillian has developed this habit, which I believe is normal in 2 year olds, of bossing people around. And animals. And toys. But since she can speak very clearly, her directions can be quite elaborate. For example, "Mommy, you stand by the stove. Mommy, you stomp your feet. Don't talk to me. I want a round cheese. I don't want to pee-pee on the potty. I want to go to Grandma's house. You wait here one minute. I get the scissors*"

Yes, that is all one conversation. Well, not really conversation, as you can see I have no speaking role in it.

The funniest thing is that when bossing people/animals/things aroundshe always puts her chubby finger up to her cheek and points, as if to highlight the seriousness of what she is going to say. I have started calling this the chubby finger of bossiness. When it comes out, you better watch it. Here are some pictures to demonstrate. In these she was bossing around me and a goat.

*yes, J gets the concept of scissors and that sometimes I need them to open toys, cut tags off, etc. They were in a drawer that she can definitely not see into, but that smart little chub saw me put the scissors in there enough to know exactly where they were. One day when I refused to open something she whipped out the chubby finger of bossiness told me to wait one minute and that I needed the scissors, and proceeded to get them from the drawer. Don't worry, about 5 minutes later, her Grandpa broke them, cut himself, and may have introduced a few swear words into her vocabulary, but no more scissor incidents.

Update

So last year when the Phillies made the playoffs, this is what I did.

This year, the email read like this:

"As most of you know, our Phillies will play a pivotal game against the LA Dodgers tomorrow night. If the Phils win, they will advance to the World Series for the first time in 15 years.

To show our support, you are invited to wear Phillies attire tomorrow. Please keep in mind that you must remain tasteful about your appearance. Certain clothing, such as jeans and sweat pants, are not appropriate.

Go Phillies."

(emphasis added). Jeans specifically prohibited unlike last year where jeans were not specifically prohibited and was the one dumb ass who wore them. This year, I didn't wear Phillies gear at all, wasn't even going to risk it.

In other news, J came to my house from her dad's with an Obama action figure. She was shouting "my Obama!" When I asked her who Obama was she said "the president."

Also, she informed me that she was "Super Jilly." I hope to take a picture of Super Jilly and will post it, but as with all super heros, Super Jilly tries to keep a low profile.

City Garbage and Random Funny Picture

I have lived in a number of major cities over the past few years, Philly, San Francisco, NYC, Baltimore, Lexington VA, Montgomery AL (ok some not so major cities too). Each has their own character, charm, issues, etc. And another distiguishing characteristic is the stuff you find on the sidewalk.

In Baltimore, it was chicken wings. Everywhere I walked there were chicken wing bones. Sometimes crab legs, which made sense, given Charm City's relationship with all things crab, but the chicken wing bones never did.

In Philly, it is grosser. It is dead birds. I don't go a week without seeing a dead bird on the sidewalk. Yes, this is a downer. I don't like it and have to explain it to J, which causes me to use Bizarley's dad's lie - that the birds are just sleeping. This is harder to pull of when there is some squishing involved.

In SF, it was causes. Stickers telling me that I should be vegan, that I needed to save the environment, that Arnold sucks, etc. Sometimes it was just a slogan written in chalk. But they were everywhere. On my walk to BART everyday, I passed one that said "Better Dead Than Red." And I always thought that my X would totally agree because (1) he is judgy-liberal and (2) I have red hair and he hated me. Honest, that is what I thought every time I walked over that slogan on the sidewalk of 24th Street between Guerrero and Mission. Great way to start the day. Man that relationship was bad, things like this pop up every now and then to remind me how unhappy I was and how bad he made me feel.

Anyway, I just remembered that as I am writing this. Luckily Gossip Girl starts in three minutes, so I am three minutes away from being in a good mood.

The Big 0-2!

Yesterday was Jillian's birthday and she celebrated with pizza, mommy juice (beer), and her grown-up friends. It was a great time, J had fun and got some awesome presents, and she wore a tiara. All in all a pretty good day.

I know, right?

I have a bad habit of not listening while trapped in boring conversations. You know, like in the elevator or on line at the book store. Because of this habit, I don't know how to respond when it is my turn to talk because I haven't been listening. So I have developed a "defense mechanism" of sorts - I just say "I know, right?"

This phrase works 8 out of 10 times because these conversations have limited topics. For example, "It's finally getting cold out there," response: "I know, right?" Or, "Those Phillies actually made it to the NLCS" response: "I know, right?" Or, "The economy sucks." response: "I know, right?" So by using the "I know, right?" response I save myself from listening to 80% of the boring conversations I encounter.

In contrast to my not listening to conversations I find boring, I also seem to think that when in a group setting, I have the most interesting stories. I have been aware of this for awhile and it was reinforced when a group went out to dinner after J-Bux's book reading in NYC. Apparently, I talked alot. Last week, I did it during book club. I am not sure if the stories I tell are interesting or funny, but yet I can't seem to stop myself from telling them. I am going to work on this, promise. I don't want to steal the show.

Here is a random picture of J - she will be two years old tomorrow!

Eureka!

I don't understand Sara Palin's hair. How does it get that high up? Why does she do that to it?

Like most other things, I think I may have found the answer on the internets.
http://www.bighappiehair.com/

Obviously I will be quitting the practice of law to become a private detective. I realize my calling is to solve mysteries.

Judgy Mc Judgerson

I generally try not to judge other parents in the hopes that they will not judge me. Plus, what the hell do I know? Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't. (See e.g. rittenhouse square mom who judged me for putting my kid in shoes before she was one, but she was WALKING and robez were not going to cut it on the streets of philly; lady who thought it was her busy-ness to point out that J had a fork in a restaurant even though I knew that and J USES FORKS TO EAT;* the woman walking down the hall to the airplane that had only 14 passengers and was annoyed that I was letting J walk to the plane herself while I struggled with a stroller and a suitcase whose handle had broken off AFTER I got through security).

Anyway, J is having a birthday party in a few weeks and one mom RSVP'ed that she and her 14 month old could not come because the party directly coincides with his daily 2 hour nap. Listen, I get nap time. Really I do. Admittedly, I don't follow any regemented nap schedule with J, in part because the nanny has to deal with her during the day, not me, and J is not the world's best napper (I use the phrase "deal with her" with complete love and adoration, of course). She sleeps overnight like a champ, but during the day it is about 45 minutes to 2 hours at any given point in the day.

So I do not get this response. Seriously, you aren't going to come to a birthday party 5 blocks from your house because of everyday naptime? What else has your kid missed out on because of this stringent rule? What have you missed out on? Do you have to leave family events at particular times? What if you have to drive somewhere at like 1:38pm? Then what are you going to do?

I know that I may be a bad parent because I don't let nap time get in the way of things. If there is something fun for us to do, or just me, or just her, we go ahead and do it. There is time for sleep later. And I think J has become a pretty flexible kid, so I don't regret those decisions.

So there, I am judging another parent. And I apologize to those readers who also adhere to a strict nap schedule....I don't mean to, I really only judge this woman, who my nanny says is really hard on her nanny. I don't like that either.

In retrospect, perhaps it is better that they don't come. I just feel bad for the kid, I made some wicked fun goody bags.

*please note that I forgave this lady fairly quickly. She was an older lady out to eat dinner by herself at 5pm (which was also when J and I were out to eat). After my initial mind your own business lady reaction, I realized that she may just be lonely and wanted to engage with us in someway. Unfortunately she picked a divisive way. I also realized that I may be her someday and should not be mean to future me.

A Few Things I Don't Understand.....

(1) Why kids like to go to the office. J enjoys it and I did when I was little. I guess it is fun to see where your parents spend their day, or to play with new office supplies. My office even has snacks, which J loves. She also loves to go into people's offices and annouce to them that they are working - "hi, you working." It is a statement, not a question. She is a two foot tall boss.

(2) John Mayer, the singer/songwriter. He is all tatted up, seems to break the hearts of pretty successful women left and right, and yet sings that song about fathers being good to their daughters and "Your body is a wonderland."

(3) Men who think they could do better than the woman they are in a relationship with and why they think I would be sympathetic. I am not.

(4) Why I sincerely want to go on "The Biggest Loser." I think I want to spend a few weeks concentrating on nothing other than trying to get into the best shape I could be in.

(5) Why my X's girlfriend would even want to come to a birthday party I am throwing for J when (a) X is throwing a separate one and (b) everyone there hates her. I don't even care because there is no way she has the guts to show up.

(6) How I somehow broke my Outlook email within one day of switching from Lotus Notes so that now I cannot attach documents from my firm's document repository.

Farewell to Summer

So summer 2008 has bit the dust. To be honest, no real loss. I am tired of the heat and carting around a sweaty kid. And huge electric bills from constantly running the air conditioner.

I am ready for jeans and boots. Coats, tights, etc. I am sure I will be sick of them all by January.

In other news, J has been replaced by a demon child. My sweet, smart, adorable kid has been secretly switched with a cranky, demanding, bossy two foot tall nightmare. I suppose the terrible twos have to have some basis in fact.....and I am being dramatic. But seriously, when your kids is bawling because her "pony is shady" (don't ask) and there is literally nothing you can do about it, it is easy to miss the chubby cute child she once was. As an aside, if anyone knows how to make a my little pony not shady, let me know.

If anyone needs to get me a present....

I would like Blair Waldorf's necklace from last night's Gossip Girl. Would also accept the following (1) a Wii, (2) a new bike, (3) shore house or (3) cash money. The holidays are coming up people!

J rocks her necklaces, shouldn't her mom?

Princess for a Day

This is what my parents do with J when they babysit. They give her junk food and let her wear a crown. Sometimes I think that they like it when I am not around so that they can spoil her. I am not a crazytown about food or anything, but I generally avoid Burger King. For my own sake more than anything. And I admittedly avoid all things princesses. I am not sure what I will do if J demands a tiara and disney princess movies.

J is now doing yoga. She told me that today as she did a wicked down dog. Then she apparently invented a new pose which she calls "baby dinasour." It involves scrunching up, making a "mad face" (which I totally copied from Emily V. and taught J), and growling. We do not do this pose in my weekly class, but maybe we should. It seems to get out the stress.

Then she ate jelly beans - see I am not the food police.

Dirty Little Secrets, Part II

First, congratulations to Michael Phelps.

Second, another dirty little secret - sometimes when I am sad I try to drink a whole bottle of wine by myself. Like alone on my couch. Because that is what people do when they are bummed out or something. Don't worry, no need for an intervention. I never get past one glass, and sometimes that gets dumped out. I have multiple open bottles of wine in my house, some may actually be vinegar at this point. I guess I only like to drink when I have an audience to make a fool of myself in front of. Like on Thursday, I wiped out in a dress and heels in the middle of the street. Nice.

Third, all boozing jokes aside, my real dirty little secret is that I would like to have another kid someday. I hope that I get to and I find myself envious of the couples having their second. But it is not in the cards for me right now, so we will see what happens. I am probably as envious of the coupledom as the second kid, but seeing those chubby lumps of baby makes me jealous.

Fourth, I still think my kid is awesome. But I suppose that is no secret. Here she is singing.

My Dirty Little Secret

To be fair, this is one of what is actually many dirty little secrets, one that has crept up on me and I have been afraid to share. But here it goes....I am totally sick of Michael Phelps. For serious.

I know, I know that is downright Un-American to say. And disrespectful to athletic accomplishments, the institution that is the Olympics, etc. I realize all of this, but I can't help it. I am over it. If I wake up, turn on the news, and see one more interview with his mother or sisters, I may boycott the Olympics until it is time for Track and Field. If I see one more article about how he eats 12,000 calories a day, or how he is the greatest athlete of all time, I don't know what I will do. I apologize, but I am done with it. Godspeed Phelps, win all the golds, and then we will talk about it some more, breath a collective sigh of relief, and move on with our lives.

M.I.A.

I know I have been missing for awhile. Just dealing with work, which has been busy, and life, which has been not busy but the same old same old. And that seems to be the problem.

I did look at my camera the other day and discovered some forgotten pictures of J. That was a nice surprise, so I figured I would share one. The picture of her in her rain coat is the older picture, and the one of her in her Elmo gear is recent. So you can see how much she has grown.

The other day I gave her a cheese stick, she wrapped it up in a napkin, told me she was going to work, and headed for the door. I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry. Then she informed me that she needed $40 to go to the store and get milk first. She also constantly is hailing cabs. It is a hilarious habit.

J has a dream.....

This morning I was chatting with J and this is the conversation we had:

Me: Did you sleep well last night?

J: Yes.

Me: Did you have any dreams?

J: Yes.

Me: Oh really, do you know what a dream is?

J: Obama.

So apparently J thinks Obama is a dream. She actually can identify him in pictures and on the news. Also, when we were waiting in the airport a few weeks ago for hours on end, a woman had an Obama t-shirt on - it just said "Obama '08," no graphics or picture. J walks up to her puts her hands in the air and shouts "OBAMA!" The woman invited her to join the campaign. I was just amazed that J apparently can recognize the word/name Obama. Beyond once asking her if she would vote for Clinton or Obama, J and I do not discuss politics. Hilarious.

Mission Impossible: Dating

Ok, I know that I complain alot on this blog. The thing is that when I first moved to Philly, I was super bummed but somewhat optimistic about my personal future. Now here I am, a year and a few months later, and I find myself becoming bitter. These are the things I learned as I have tried to "date" as an "adult."

1. For me, online dating sucks. I tried it again for about a week and a half and did get alot of emails (I am not proactive in that I don't email people, too shy). I went out on two dates. On the first, the guy talked about himself non-stop, didn't listen to anything I said, and then tried to eat my face at the end of the date. On the second, the guy said the restaurant I picked was too loud, informed me that his last online date ended in sex, and then took me up on my polite offer to pay - the entire bill. All of this on top of the 52 year old vegan who said that he thought I was "cute" but didn't agree with my "love of dead cow" (I said I like hamburgers on my profile) and that I should "hit him up if I want to chat." Ummmm...you are 52, bald with a grey beard, and openly think you are better than me because you are vegan while I hunt defenseless cows and eat them raw. I canceled my account immediately after getting this email.

----> as a side note, online dating invites the possibility of meeting people who just want to "chat" like online. I do not have time for this and I do not need some kind of cyberbuddy. I found this frustrating, I would rather just meet not email for weeks on end.

2. People cheat on me. My boyfriend in law school cheated on me, only to marry his paralegal. X cheated on me. The person I did actually date for a few months pressured me to date "exclusively" not cluing me in that I would be the one staying exclusive while he would date around. I am not sure what it is about me, but people cheat on me. And I seem to catch them. They aren't even good at it. Leading me to point three...

3. When I think of a relationship, I think it means someone who you have to try to please but never can, someone who insults you and makes you feel bad about yourself, someone who thinks that they are better than you, someone who will cheat on you to find someone better, someone who you don't trust and someone who will in the end take your money, your pride, and leave you knocked up. This view is totally f'ed up and I need to change it. As weird as it seems, I am kind of just realizing this as I debate whether I really want to date again.

4. REDACTED

So all of this to say, chin up self. I am going to lay low on the forced dating (while at the same time staying open minded) and try to enjoy my single life. Of course this is easier said than done as I look around and see people (well specifically women) who definitely suck married to good guys. And X who spent a total of two months single, I mean come on! Alright, breaking my own rule already. I will always have J as my date - I mean she is a pretty cute oatmeal eater (see above) and has very good manners.

Shock and Awe

Is it ok to be amazed by your own kid? I admit to being completely uneducated about what "developmental stages" kids should hit when, but lately I have been thinking J is pretty awesome. To that end, I present the reasons why I am in awe of my child:

- she told me the other day that she "hadn't seen butterflies in over a week." And she was right! No one had taken to her to the butterfly garden at the museum of natural sciences (where we are members, so she is there alot) in over a week. But, um, how does she know what a week is?

- she likes Blue's Clues and requests it. She also likes to go to Claire's Boutique and pick out cheap jewlery. We were there one day and she saw a small spiral notebook, similar to the one the host of blue's clues uses to write down clues. She pointed to it saying "notebook," took it down, called it a "handy dandy notebook" (which the host calls his) and instructed me to "pay for it." Once I had, she requested a pen which she stuck through the spirals exactly like the blues clues guy.

- she picks out her own shoes everyday and most times puts them on herself.

- she saw that I hung up two similar pictures in my room and informed me that there were two that were "kinda the same."

- she can ride her tricycle about two feet.

- she has a plastic cow that has a blue spot on him, ink or something. She told me that this was a "dirty cow." Then told me she would "wipe him off." When that didn't work I suggested that we might have to wash him with soap, causing her to run into her bathroom and soap up that cow. We never got the spot off, and now he will forever be the "dirty cow." This morning he was in her tea pot which she found hilarious.

- speaking of tea - she sets up her favorite guys, usually a lamb, a baby, and barney to have tea parties. She serves "dirty cow tea" and "coffee."

- if you ask her why she may get a treat she says "if I pee pee on the pottty."

- if you ask her who is on the one dollar bill she say "Washington."

- she knows her ABCs and can count to eleven.

So, if you couldn't tell, I haven't spoken to my mother all week because she is busy entertaining friends, so I have not had a chance to share any funny, listen to what J did stories. I am sorry if I am boring you all, but the lack of husband contributes to my need to share and have someone else go - you are right she is amazing (hint hint).

Oh and the picture above is what she does when you ask her to smile. I think Tyra Banks got a hold of her, so now she only does "fierce." Props to Aunt Bizarley for the dress at this photo shoot. Just ignore her hair, she doesn't like to sit for hair and make-up.

Bitter Much?

I received this email from the coordinator of a "Hip Single Parents" Group I joined. I haven't made it to any events yet and given the email below, I am pretty sure that now won't make it to any.

"Due to the amazing amount of whining, I will no longer be organizing events for the Hip Parents Group. For those that enjoy a well organized event, please feel free to stop by and see us on the South Jersey Single Parents Meetup site. While most of our activities are geared to the active 4+ year olds, a few of the members will be hosting toddler events too.

You shouldn't join if:

1. You like to complain

2. You mind coming to NJ for most events

3. Your child is a pain in the ass and you clearly have no control.

4. Your eating habits (i.e. vegan) prohibit you from bringing a pack of hot dogs to a BBQ.

5. You RSVP, then do not show.

6. You're overly sensitive

We are here to help 95% of the people get out and enjoy life with their children, but you other 5%.... well it is really no mystery why you're single. -Michael"

Needless to say this gave me the warm fuzzies.

It's A Hard Knock Life

Here are some pictures of J lounging it up in Kiawah. Pretty sweet deal, huh?

Preview

I realize I suck at blogging lately. But I have a ton of cute pictures and will be sharing them shortly. They will include (but not be limited to)
- J on the PONY!!!
- J in cute dress from Aunt Bizarley
- J in pool with goggles
- J and me
- naked ladies

Just kidding on that last one, just trying to keep everyone interested in ye' old blog of generally boring items.

Oh and you can blame my hiatus in part on Facebook. I finally gave in a signed up and have been slightly obsessed for the past two weeks. Other things to blame - j.o.b., shopping sprees, young child, eye infection, and summer.

Fun at the Zoo and with Tools

I feel tired. It has been a good weekend, my firm had its annual "zoo night" where they rent out the entire Philadelphia Zoo - aka "America's First Zoo." It is actually a great event because everything is free - admission, parking, food, and PONY RIDES. The last is the most important. J would ride the pony, get off, and run to the end of the line for the ride shouting "I RIDE A PONY!!!" The lady running it knew her name by the time we left. Just like the bartenders did with my name at the end of fraternity cocktail parties in college.

So zoo night rocked.

Oh and I have to watch what I say around J, because she repeats everything. I said "Daddy lives in the ghetto" and now "ghetto" is her favorite word. He does, and his house is dirty, and his girlfriend still is a bad influence. And now I really have to keep that all to myself.

Nothing really to say. Just wanted to blog because I have been caught up with my new facebook account. It has distracted me. So here is a picture of J playing with her tools. That is a tool belt she is wearing and she is "screwing" something into the wall. My dad took the picture with his new blackberry so I apologize for the quality.

Happy summer all.

Discovery Health - Baby Week

This week is "Baby Week" on Discovery Health, one of my favorite networks. I am addicted to shows about morbidly obese people such as "Inside Brookhaven Medical Clinic" or "Big Medicine." "Mystery Diagnosis" was interesting for a while, but the end diagnoses are never all that interesting, at least not interesting enough to invest the hour watching the show.

So today I learned some doctors, if a baby looks like it is going to be too big, will induce labor. More importantly, most doctors estimate the size of the baby towards the end of the pregnancy. My doctor did not do this. And the bohemouth that was infant J nearly killed me. All is well that ends well, but it would have been nice to not deliver a ginormous baby without an epidural in about 20 minutes and then bleed out. I mean I got to have a kid that rocks a mean "sprout" ponytail and that is worth it in and of itself. Oh and now she can identify who is on a dollar bill. This is our favorite party trick. She says "George Washington" in her cute voice. See picture above for ponytail.

Also, glad I didn't higher a doula. I thought about it being that I couldn't depend on X and I was scared shitless. I don't know if they hang out with you during labor at home, I guess that would have been nice, as I did that part by myself - alone in my room watching Law & Order rerun after rerun and trying to remember the stupid things I could do to make myself more comfortable. But if they don't, she would have had a very short work day. The people on these shows like doulas so they are on the mind.

I think I may hate baby week because it makes me think of having J. I wish that the end of my pregnancy, having the baby, and being a brand new mom conjured good memories. But to be honest, it really doesn't. (Don't tell J). I guess that is why I am not on a Discovery Health show. That and I cannot imagine why these people let video cameras around them when they know the end result will require their junk being blurred out when aired on TV.

Tomorrow is "World's Smallest Mom," which could be interesting. Tag line: "She's only three feet tall, but she found the world's greatest joy."

And an addendum to my post re: gum. It is Orbit sweet mint gum and it is only really good for about 7 minutes. So I am sticking to my light blue extra or dark blue trident.

Hot Time Summer in the City

Dude, it was HOT in Philly this weekend. But I am glad it is summer and hope it will be a fun one. Although, I did just calculate the number of hours I need to hit my billable goal before the end of the year and it ain't pretty.

Anyway, J and I were on vacation last week, visiting my parents in Kiawah. It was a good time in general but not a wild time by any means. One night I got ice cream and marble slab creamery, subbing peanut butter and chocolate ice cream for the plain chocolate, and that was about as crazy as I got. Oh, I did get pink eye and/or some viral eye infection and had to wear my c\glasses the whole time. This resulted in the infamous "double glasses" where I wear sunglasses over my regular glasses (I don't have prescription sun glasses). I know this is a favorite of justsomeguy, so I am sorry he missed it. After a day of this, and feeling inadequate next to the Lily Pulitzer clad moms with huge wedding rings, kids named Trey (as in "the Third") and a husband on the golf course, I got those Dwayne Wayne clip on shades. Yes, I still looked like an idiot.

Some things that have crossed my mind lately -

- If a man has a puggle he is probably in a relationship

- Philly hipsters will not wear flip flops. It is retro vans, ballet slippers, jellies, or converse. Also, as I shared with justsomeguy, hipsters will wait forever to eat brunch at a "hip" place. It must be hard being so tragically hip.

- J's diapers have Winnie the Poo and Tiger on them. So when she gets her diaper changed she shouts "tigger and poo!!!" only it sounds like "take a poo!!!" In the airport, the mom waiting to use the changing table said, "you better get that diaper on quick!" I had to explain it to her.

- Other airport shennigains included a woman telling me, unsolicited, that J had too much food in her mouth. This is a daily battle between J and I (and J and her nanny) and J usually wins. Absent an incident involving watermelon when she was about 10 months old, there have been no choking incidents. I explained that to the lady, while waiting for my Christian chicken at Chick-fil-A, but she was still all judge-y mc judgerton. So when she said, "what great eyelashes she has," I told her I put mascara on my kid.

- A shout out to my homies new and old from bizarley's wedding. I have to dedicate an entire post to that event. Thanks to my roommate K for reading and sharing a room with me!

- To everyone I forced to buy Stride Sweet Mint gum, insisting it was the best gum ever, I apologize. It actually is Orbitz Sweet Mint gum that is the best gum ever. The Stride gum has a very artificial sweetner taste. I know that justsomeguy and M fell victim to this.

- I apologize that all the pictures have been from one event. I should have some from my trip soon and J rocks a bathing suit like Giselle.

Welcome to what it is like in my head.

Anniversary

Today is my now-defunct wedding anniversary. And a good sign is that I forgot until this moment, compared to last year where I remembered all the days leading up to it, the whole actual day of it, got drunk in front of my parents friends, watched M landshark a guy (which was fun, and I would do any day), and continued to drink at a dive bar to the point where my dad had to come pick us up. So I think that is growth, right?

Anyhoo, these are the things that are on my mind:
1) Idaho is really far west. For some reason, I always thought it was in the middle of the country but it is pretty far over. Go elementary school geography.
2) Circuit City is advertising that people should make their tax return checks go further at, you guessed it, Circuit City. This makes me angry. There are absolutely no essential goods at Circuit City, the economy is going south, people can't afford gas, food prices are increasing, and many folks are just bad with money (lots of debt), especially when it comes to stupid things like HDTVs or the latest cell phone. I am being an ass, I know, but I get angry at companies irresponsible marketing practices. I know that it is their job to make a buck, but at the same time we would all be better off if people saved their money.
3) X bought a new house and it is filthy. I am not sure what to do about this because J has to stay there. It really is gross. I guess the girlfriend doesn't clean. I know he doesn't.
4) J and I are going on vacation next week. Woohoo! We went to the zoo on Monday and she rode a pony. It was awesome.
5) I am waiting for pictures from bizarley's wedding so that I can tell you all about it.
6) I will probably go see the sex and the city movie, despite my hating the show.
7) It is the year anniversary of this blog, I think.

Happy hump day all.

No Moms Need Apply

In my attempt to move towards having a normal relationship, I searched match.com for men around my zip code between ages 30 and 40. I haven't joined or put up a profile yet. Baby steps here. I picked about 5 guys that looked "normal" and read their profiles. Some had interesting profiles, were educated, appeared cute-ish, and got my hopes up that maybe this is a good idea.

Then at the bottom, one of the last requirements for their match is whether or not she has kids. All 5 said they required that the woman have no kids.

So for the next 5 profiles, I stopped reading the main written parts (in order to keep from getting my hopes up) and just scrolled down to that question. Only one person didn't have "none" as his answer to the have kids question, and he simply hadn't answered it. So no affirmative statement of being ok if potential matches have kids.

I am discouraged.

Now I am watching a documentary about "Jesus Camp" and it is at times freakin' scary, hilarious, and very sad. Jillian during the mass before her baptism kept telling me "I see Jesus" but she will not be attending these camps. She says I see Jesus because at her playgroup the strollers are parked in a church, so she is familiar with Him. (All those years of growing up Catholic, I can't not use the capitalized "Him." That or Jesus Camp is getting to me.)

Hodgepodge

Philadelphia has a bad habit of closing off streets for various activities - worthwhile activities such as the Race for the Cure - but not informing motorists that streets will be closed or providing a detour of any kind. Over the past two weekends, I have lost about 3.7 hours of my life because of this practice. If I was billing the City of Philadelphia for my time, that would cost them about $1,414. So dear city that I really enjoy living in - PLEASE at least put up detour signs. I don't need to be cruising around Ridge Ave and Gunshot trying to find my way home. Also, if I can't go one way, you have to let me go the other way because I am just trying to get to my house and park the damn car that I can't drive because of street closures. Thanks.

On another note, I had an anxiety dream about bizarley's wedding, which is coming up this Saturday. I was running late to drive to the metro-Lex and had to take a subway. But I forgot the bridesmaid dress, so I got in a cab to go home and get it, but I went to every address I have lived at for the past 5 years, forgetting where I actually live. I don't know how it turned out, but no fear bizarley, I will be there on time and with the dress. I even have multiple "pale gold" shoe choices, thank you zappos.

I can't imagine what it is like to actually be the bride. Maybe the gifts make it better?

Totally boring post, but at least it doesn't involve Gymboree disasters.

My day ruined, by Gymboree

Well, not so much Gymboree, as X. My new house is near a Gymboree and so J's nanny thought it would be a good activity for them. I took J once, it was a good time with parachutes, tunnels, bubbles, all the essentials. So I thought I would sign her up. It is $99/month for unlimited classes.

The thing is, my custody agreement requires that X agrees to activities and pays for half. I asked him about Gymboree and he said he needed a few days to think about it. A few days to think about paying $50 for our kid to have an activity. Please note, while he generally is against any mainstream anything (religion, manner of dress, politeness, cleanliness) I have never heard him rail against Gymboree.

Then he proceeded to tell me what a jerk I am and that I am a nasty person. Then he said that I have to keep him informed about what J eats during the day. X is out of control, rudely against overweight people. To the point that he critized me for eating a second brownie when I was about 7 months pregnant. I don't want J to have the same weird food issues. But that is besides the point - I said we can discuss food over email, not over the phone, because as you can see I usually wind up being told what an ass I am. He thought this was ridiculous and we should talk about it.

So in the end, it is all about control and manipulation with him. He knows I hate dealing with him, so he creates situations so that I "have to." But I won't. I refuse to engage him in this stuff. I will just pay for Gymboree myself. And she eats fine, so he can suck it. I will admit though, that J is eating Teddy Grahams in this picture. At least they are made with whole grain.....

Overall though, this will bother me for the rest of the day. It is so hard to put out of my mind. I really really wish he was not a part of my life. I would give an arm and a leg for that. Or even my gucci pumps.

This post is a total venting session for me. Sorry about that. I am just tired. Literally tired - of X, of the past two years, of being alone, of juggling work and child rearing, of fighting with him, of judge-y overachieving two parent households, of everything. I go to bed at 9:30 or 10 and I struggle to wake up at 7:30 with J. And this is everynight. The real bummer is that he is never going to change and I have to deal with him for the rest of his or my life.

Happy Mothers' Day

Today has been a weird day. J was baptized and I had to deal with X's family and dumb ass girlfriend. I managed not to kill anyone, but none of them burst into flames upon entering the church, which was surprising. I mean, where is the wrath? And it is mothers' day, which seems to be a difficult "holiday" for me. But we celebrated with a delicious lunch for close friends and family. Thanks to all for coming out.

Oh and J did a good job. She informed the priest that she did, in fact, denounce satan and all his works, but also tried to blow out her baptismal candle, shouting "I wanna blow it!" throughout the ceremony.

I have spend about twenty minutes trying to write a good transition sentence for here....but I seem to be failing. Something about how we are many times reminded of difficult times or challenges during happy occasions. But I can't. I am not the writer among us. So anyway, here is a column in the NYT by none other than J-Bux. Today I am proud of her, all my friends that took the time out of their Sunday to spend with us, my family for travelling to Philly for today, and J.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/11/fashion/11love.html?pagewanted=2&ei=5070&en=493559e65228929d&ex=1211083200&emc=eta1

Put A Fork In It

It's done. The court has entered my final divorce decree. So that is it. Done. I am no longer married. MSTBX is now just an X.

High five!

Feliz Cinco de Mayo

One of the things that I miss about being married is the nights when I would come home from work on a week night and MSTBX and I would decide to go out to dinner, just for fun, instead of eating what we had in the house. Or when he would email to see if I wanted to meet up. For some reason, it just seemed like a treat. And it was nice to go out and spend time with someone after work. Granted, this didn't happen that often. Perhaps that is why it felt special.

Anyway, I miss that. So today, after purchasing J $78 shoes for her baptism* we went out to get Mexican food for cinco de mayo. While I love spending time with her, and she loves quesadillas, sometimes I wish I had some adult company. Adult company that was obligated to take care of her as much as I am. It is weird to think that I never went out to eat with MSTBX and J. Maybe once, but that is about it.

So I guess that this is a long winded way of saying I am a bit lonely. Now that it is getting nice out and the days are longer, I would like someone to spontaneously see if I would like to go for ice cream, take a walk, or something. That is what I miss.

That all being said - here is a poll. Should I try online dating? In the interest of full disclosure, I tried it about this time last year (my loneliness and desire to do something about it is apparently seasonal) for about a week. Then I chickened out and took my profile down. So should I give it a real go again? It does kind of bug me out.

In other news, J peed in the potty multiple times today. We have had the potty only one day, so this is promising. I know, I should definitely put that in any online dating profile I make. It really is amazing that men are not knocking my door down.

*I needed cute white socks for her as well. The woman handed me a pair and I looked at the price - $30!!!! FOR ONE (that is right ONE, UNO) PAIR OF SOCKS!!! FOR A TODDLER!!!! Are you eff'in kidding me?

Targeted Attacks

Today was a big upacking and organizing day, so it necessarily involved a trip to Ikea. Ikea is a great place for kids to get some energy out (which I learned from St. Scobie - muchas gracias). They can run around, climb on things, while supervised of course, and at the end get chicken nuggets for a dollar. We skipped lunch today to make it before the crowds and did just a sneak attack to get toy organizers, a kids' play table, and some bath mats. In and out.

Then we hit Lowes. Garbage can, mop, and picture hangers. In and out.

Later some Trader Joes. Carrots, cereal, juice, and flowers. In and out.

I feel like we got a lot done today and that I deserve to sit for a minute. So I will sit, but not chill out like J in the picture above. No, I will research the issues related to the federal courts' subject matter jurisdiction over foreign purchasers of a foreign company's stock on foreign exchanges. Don't hate because you are watching tv, reading, hanging with your kids, or doing something less fun. We can't all get lucky every night.

I realize that this post is a total snooze-fest, but my brain is not functioning. In the spirit of the wisdom St. Scobie passed on to me, here are some parenting tips. (1) Trying to put together Ikea furniture with a 1.5 year old is hard. While they like to try to help, you can imagine what their help looks like. (2) If you have a room with nothing in it, blow up an air mattress and stick it in there. It is like a homemade moon bounce. (3) Always carry a deck of cards with you. It helps keep them entertained while learning numbers. (4) If you are ever invited to a birthday party that features a live Elmo, you should go.

Man I am boring.

Nine

That is the number of pairs of shoes I have under my desk. Nine pairs. And if I add up how much they collectively cost, well, you know what I am not even going to go there. With the student lending industry caving in, I don't want to think about J not getting to go to college (read Penn) because of some Gucci suede pumps (read GORGEOUS shoes).

Not sure why I am thinking about this today, given the the other things going on in the world. PA primaries were yesterday, moved into the new house, gas prices are out of control, the salad I like at Cosi has 720 calories and 68 grams of fat, I cry ever time MSTBX picks up J with that stupid, f'in, cowardly girlfriend of his, a bear killed its trainer, masturbation may lessen risk of prostate cancer, I finally watched Juno and actually didn't like it (more on that later), etc., etc.

Sometimes I wish my brain would stop its constant frolicking and detouring.

Bad Ass Tutu

M visited last week and brough J this hilarious tutu. At the end of the day she likes to put it on, watch Barney and have a cocktail (read water in a sippy cup). When I come home, she informs me that she has on a tutu, is watching Barney, and drinking water. Oh and yes, that is a Penn t-shirt. I bought it about three weeks ago at J-Bux's book reading on campus. Judge me if you want, but I don't think it is pretentious to have one Penn t-shirt. Plus, she is totally going there. :)

We move to the new house tomorrow, which is exciting and hectic. Since I can't take much time off, mostly because I want to take multiple vacations this summer, I have scheduled the movers, cable guy, carpet estimate guy, and new furniture delivery person all on the same day. To be successful, I have had to assemble an all-star team comprised of Auntie L, Grandma, Pop-pop, Super nanny and myself to handle it all. Failure is not an option.

In other news, went to my five year law school reunion a weekend ago and that was really fun. J went in a moon bouncer and loved it. That child has no fear. The other "little kid" (they had to clear out all the big kids for us to go in) cried the whole time. Whereas my child not only loved it, but every time I turned around she was running to it trying to climb in. Then she stole someone's cookie. And showed a pregant lady her belly. Nice. Thanks to justsomeguy for all his help during the weekend. It was fun to play family for a while, instead of haggard mom and daredevil child trying not to lose our shit.

Don't worry, there was plenty of time for big beers at Salerno's (MAN those beers are BIG), a crappy dinner hosted by the school at Sheridan Livery (drank lots of wine to compensate), and one walking while intoxicated arrest. Good times.